The One About The Day That Changed Everything

Ten years.

How has it been ten years already?

I can still remember every tiny detail of that day. They are crystal clear, like watching a movie in my mind. A horror movie I can't look away from.

I remember being awakened by my best friend M a little after 9 AM. I remember working the night shift only a few hours before and was not happy about being pulled from my bed. But being in the news business she knew something like a plane hitting the World Trade Center was big news and I would want to see it. I remember stumbling into the living room, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and focusing on the TV right before the second plane hit. I remember my knees falling out from under me.

I remember seeing but not believing that what I was witnessing was really happening. That it must be a joke, a scene from a movie. I remember the tears starting to fall and not stopping. I remember the fear choking my throat as M and I held each other and sat on the couch, captivated by the horrible images playing over and over again in front of us.

I remember needing to talk to Charming and my family. I remember not being able to get through to them and this making me panic. I remember finally getting a hold of Charming, hearing that he had been trying to call me too, and the relief I felt when he told me he was coming to me.

I remember finally getting through to my mother and the terror in her voice as she told me her news channel was saying another hijacked plane was entering Cleveland's airspace. I remember hearing M talking to her mother on her phone and telling me they were evacuating downtown Cleveland and her mother was being forced to leave her building. I remember looking out our high rise patio doors and seeing a huge plane, larger than life, turning around over the lake and heading back East. I remember woodenly telling my mother that plane was flying past our apartment and her pleading with me to get out of our building.

That chilling moment is one that replays over and over. That terror of the unknown rooted me to the spot, staring at that plane, not knowing if it would turn to come at me. It froze me in a way I hope I never again experience.

I remember flipping through channels on the TV and everyone showing the same images, even MTV. I remember seeing that second plane fly into the second tower over and over again. I remember watching the Pentagon burn and thinking what's next? I remember seeing people throw themselves out of the World Trade Center, preferring to fall to their deaths instead of burning alive. I remember remarking to M the stations will stop showing those images soon because they were too gruesome.

When the first tower fell, I remember screaming. And then it was silent for just a few moments as the reality sank in. That life will now never be the same again.

I remember hearing that the plane that flew past our windows had crashed in Pennsylvania. I remember wondering where that plane had been headed. I remember calling work to see if M and I needed to come in early. We were told no, so we just sat and watched the TV.

When the second tower fell, I remember being numb. I remember not having the capacity to understand what had just happened. I remember crying. I don't think I stopped crying for days.

I remember Charming coming to our door and just holding me. He had made what was usually a 2 hour drive in just under an hour and 15 minutes. I remember we sat and watched the TV for hours.

Over the next few days I went back and forth to work as we stood vigil over the network coverage of the tragedy. We were on stand-by but we all knew we wouldn't break in with anything local while network had control. The footage was just too compelling. It was amazing to see all the TV networks working together for once, a small sign of how the entire Nation came together on that day. For a few days, we were all united. We were all one Nation. We were all together in this tragedy.

Charming tried to make sure I ate and slept and the TV stayed on 24/7. I couldn't stop watching the stories pouring out and gripping my heart. I felt like if I didn't watch I would be doing a disservice to those who died. Funny how now watching footage from that day is so hard, so heart wrenching. Back then I couldn't get enough and now I can't stand to watch.

I think about 9/11 more often than I thought I would. When I fly or when we do a story on the war in Afghanistan, 9/11 haunts my mind. I wonder if others think about it as much as I do. When I most think about it is when I consider bringing a child into a post 9/11 world and how sorry I am that they won't know how life was before that day. How we felt safe and secure and how bad things feel now. I know everything going on in the world today is not directly the result of 9/11, but it is hard for me to not think about our happy before and this tragic and scary after.

To those who lost their lives ten years ago today, I mourn that you were taken in such a way. Needlessly ripped away from loved ones in a malicious act of defiance. To the brave men and women who ran into the burning buildings while making sure everyone else got out, you are true heroes. To the amazing Americans that took their fate in their own hands and brought down United 93, thank you for the sacrifice you made to save more lives. To the families missing a loved one, especially those children who did not even get the chance to meet their parent, (the footage of young Patrick Mate Lyons reading this letter to the father he never met at the firefighters' memorial mass yesterday had me in tears) I keep you in my heart and know you will meet them again some day.

9/11 may have destroyed a lot of things that day. But the one thing it could never take away was the American spirit. And for that I am forever proud to be an American.

Never forget.

The One With The Day That Shouldn't Be

One year.

365 days.

It feels so long ago and like yesterday simultaneously.

I guess pain knows no time limit. No boundaries.

I waited all day to write this post. Because I didn't want to write it. Writing it made it seem more real. Even after 365 days of praying for a different reality.

One year ago today we lost an amazing young man in the most unimaginable way possible. In the days, weeks, months since I have tried to wrap my head around the why. And how we may never know. I don't think an answer would make the pain any less but I can't help but wonder what if. What if someone had talked to him? What if he had reached out? What if a tiny change in the days leading up to that moment may have altered the future for the better?

I wish I had an answer, a way to make things better. Because I can't stand seeing my dear friends in so much pain all the time. They are barely holding on, bravely facing each day with a misery I can not even begin to imagine. And there is nothing I can do for them except show my support and give them my love. But even that feels empty, not enough to fill the void their son has left behind.

However, there are small things I can do. Love those I care about and make sure they know it. Per Hallie's request she made it clear that we should all tell those we love how we feel. Say those important three words as much as possible. I try to do this every chance I get. The sudden loss of Charming's father made this second nature for me.

Become an organ donor. Hallie and her family made the impossible decision to donate CJ's organs to people in need. Because of their selfless act several people now have a new lease on life. A bit of good coming out of something so bad. I have always been an organ donor and will now help people understand how important this decision is and how your loved should know your wishes in order to make them possible.

Participate in suicide prevention programs. Never before has it become so much more apparent to me that there are people out there who may need help but don't know how to ask for it. I would do anything to stop another family from having to go through the pain and suffering that suicide causes. I plan on finding a way to add my support to the cause of suicide prevention.

All of this to honor a wonderful and brilliant young man, CJ Twomey, whose light I know shines down upon us all. CJ, we miss you and love you. Please help your family through these very difficult times. You can help bring them a bit of peace by watching over them and bringing your light back into their dark world.

I had a dream last night. In the dream CJ and Charming's father were together, just sitting around, trading funny stories. When I came upon them they smiled at me and kept on talking, making each other laugh. I awoke with a sense of peace for the first time a very long time. I'd like to think this means they are up there and doing okay.

And that made me smile.

Keep smiling on us, kiddo.

The One With Where You Were When...

It was early morning in Cleveland, Ohio. I was still in bed having gotten home late the night before from work. Working nights until at least midnight, I was never up in the morning before ten. My best friend and roommate worked the day shift at our station and liked to get up early to exercise and eat breakfast before heading in for her shift at 10 AM. She was always conscious of me sleeping and never made enough noise to wake me.

So when she opened my door and shook me awake around 9 AM I knew something big was happening.

"A plane crashed into the Twin Towers," she said. "We may need to go into work early." Working in news we were used to huge events calling all hands on deck.

I remember walking into the living room, still half asleep and rubbing my eyes. I glanced at the clock, making note of the time, 9:03 AM. I turned to the TV just in time to see the second plane hit. It was so unexpected, so real, so there. I think I screamed and I grabbed my friend. We sat on the couch, holding each other as we watched the replay play over and over again. We didn't say much, too captivated by the words scrolling on the bottom of the screen and being uttered by shocked anchors. "Terrorist attack." "Flown into the towers deliberately." "Hijacked planes."

The news began to report about a plane flying into Cleveland airspace, thought to be hijacked as well. We lived in a high rise off the lake and had a perfect view of the city. We went out on the patio and searched the sky. My best friend got on the phone with her mother who worked downtown and found out they were evacuating all the buildings. My mother, watching the news back in Massachusetts, called me in a panic, saying we should leave our apartment, being on the 24th floor of a high rise, scared the plane coming into Cleveland would hit us. Suddenly I saw a plane over the lake approach the city and make a huge U-turn, close enough for me to almost make out the airline symbol on the tail. I remember calmly telling my mother I would call her back soon as I stood on my patio, shaking, and watching a plane held captive by terrorists turn back around towards us. I hung up the phone and tried to reach Charming. By now the phone lines were jammed. It took me four attempts to get through. They tracked him down at work where he had been trying to get a hold of me too. I didn't even get two words out before he told me he would be there soon. He was 2 hours away and made the drive in an hour and 15 minutes, even with getting pulled over because they were pulling over everyone with tinted windows.

I hung up the phone with Charming as I heard the TV announce a plane had hit the Pentagon. My best friend and I sat on the couch together and flipped through channels to see what everyone was reporting. It was all the same tragedy on every single channel. Even MTV was reporting.

When the first tower fell we fell on the floor with it. Just slid right off the couch. I had tears streaming down my face and I think I was rocking back and forth, unable to comprehend what I was seeing on the screen. All I kept thinking about were the people in that building working their normal day. And now they were dead. People in the second tower were throwing themselves out of windows. I was glad when the networks stopped showing that. That was too much to handle. The second tower fell and we were both sobbing. We were in shock, numb, disbelieving at what we were seeing right in front of us. It almost seemed like we were watching a movie. It didn't seem real. Charming arrived and I held him for a very long time. We all sat on the couch in a stunned silence watching the towers fall over and over again for hours.

We got a hold of work. They wanted us in to relieve the day crew for that night. Little did we know we would practically live at the station for four days, on stand by in case Network ever stopped broadcasting. But they never did. So we sat at work and watched their broadcasts. When I was able to go home for a few hours Charming and I sat and watched some more. Twenty-four hours a day for several days straight the TV was never turned off in our apartment. We couldn't not watch. We had to witness what was happening. People digging through debris, looking for survivors. Hundreds wandering the streets, holding pictures of loved ones missing. Fire fighters and police officers breaking down under the weight of their responsibilities.

The plane that circled Cleveland was forced down into a Pennsylvania field by the heroes on flight United 93. I sometimes wonder if we were the last people to notice that plane as it flew past our building. If someone on board happened to look out the window and knew they wouldn't live another hour after they passed us by. For months after the attacks that plane haunted my dreams. In sleep I could make out faces in the windows, begging me to help them. But I could never do anything to save them.

It's been nine years and feels just like it happened yesterday, the images are so fresh in my mind. My breath still catches any time I see footage from that day.

We will never forget.