The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Getting this house in order has been a struggle. I promise a detailed post about everything regarding the move and our new home is coming. We have just been so busy trying to get everything together for yesterday and our housewarming party. We worked really hard to have our home ready to show off to people and are pretty proud of the results.

Too bad no one showed up to see it.

Yes, we threw a party and no one came. It's amazing how quickly a 33-year-old woman can be propelled back 20 years and feel like an insecure 13-year-old again. Apparently I'm the girl no one wants to be friends with. Or at least not friends enough to care about such things as showing up to something you said you would attend. And then not even text me with some lame excuse of why they couldn't come. Every single movie where the young gawky female lead looks out the window at every car that passes by in hopes that someone, anyone will show up to her party? That was me last night. I was so excited to show off this house. Because this house is so us, finally a home we can love and share and have fun in. And with every passing minute, half hour, hour, the realization that we will probably be the only ones who appreciate how we put it together became apparent my heart broke just a little bit more.

So we have about $150 worth of alcohol (which, once we realized no one was coming we tried to make a considerable dent in ourselves) and about $60 of finger food to plow through. Charming, Charming's mother and eventually two of Charming's cousins and I tried to make the best of it with some kick ass games of pool and darts and then a rousing game of Apples to Apples. See, all the fun missed out! We have a kick ass game pad! Those people don't know what they were missing.

I am trying to be the bigger person and not let it get to me, but it is hard. Especially since this is the fourth time this has happened to me out here. I have planned something, a party and get together, and people say they are coming and no one does. It is just a wake-up call that people here are way different than I am used to. People around here say yes to just about anything and then if something better comes along they do that instead. Not how I do business so it breaks my heart. I don't try to throw things often. When I do it is something special, like Charming's birthday surprise which fell flat. Which means no more parties for me. No more bringing people into my personal life. And no more trusting people from work. Those who I think are friends really are not. At least not friends to the standard I am accustomed.

Plus no one said anything to me today until about an hour ago when only two people asked how my party went. When I said no one showed they acted shocked and said they were tired so that is why they did not come. It was a Friday night. Everyone in this city does something on Friday. It's like a law. And we had free alcohol! My husband took a day off specifically for nothing.

So I have decided to separate my work and private lives. No more cross over. No more attempting to bond. I have been hurt too many times.

Time to make work just work and enjoy Charming and the select few people who I know I can count on.

The One With The Day That Shouldn't Be

One year.

365 days.

It feels so long ago and like yesterday simultaneously.

I guess pain knows no time limit. No boundaries.

I waited all day to write this post. Because I didn't want to write it. Writing it made it seem more real. Even after 365 days of praying for a different reality.

One year ago today we lost an amazing young man in the most unimaginable way possible. In the days, weeks, months since I have tried to wrap my head around the why. And how we may never know. I don't think an answer would make the pain any less but I can't help but wonder what if. What if someone had talked to him? What if he had reached out? What if a tiny change in the days leading up to that moment may have altered the future for the better?

I wish I had an answer, a way to make things better. Because I can't stand seeing my dear friends in so much pain all the time. They are barely holding on, bravely facing each day with a misery I can not even begin to imagine. And there is nothing I can do for them except show my support and give them my love. But even that feels empty, not enough to fill the void their son has left behind.

However, there are small things I can do. Love those I care about and make sure they know it. Per Hallie's request she made it clear that we should all tell those we love how we feel. Say those important three words as much as possible. I try to do this every chance I get. The sudden loss of Charming's father made this second nature for me.

Become an organ donor. Hallie and her family made the impossible decision to donate CJ's organs to people in need. Because of their selfless act several people now have a new lease on life. A bit of good coming out of something so bad. I have always been an organ donor and will now help people understand how important this decision is and how your loved should know your wishes in order to make them possible.

Participate in suicide prevention programs. Never before has it become so much more apparent to me that there are people out there who may need help but don't know how to ask for it. I would do anything to stop another family from having to go through the pain and suffering that suicide causes. I plan on finding a way to add my support to the cause of suicide prevention.

All of this to honor a wonderful and brilliant young man, CJ Twomey, whose light I know shines down upon us all. CJ, we miss you and love you. Please help your family through these very difficult times. You can help bring them a bit of peace by watching over them and bringing your light back into their dark world.

I had a dream last night. In the dream CJ and Charming's father were together, just sitting around, trading funny stories. When I came upon them they smiled at me and kept on talking, making each other laugh. I awoke with a sense of peace for the first time a very long time. I'd like to think this means they are up there and doing okay.

And that made me smile.

Keep smiling on us, kiddo.