The One With The Pills

I have been doing a lot of wondering lately.

I wonder why it's so easy for some people.

I wonder why we are having such a difficult time.

I wonder if I am being punished.

I wonder if our dream will ever come true.

I wonder if we should bother any more.

We have been trying for almost two years to get pregnant with no avail. Granted, these past two years have been filled with the kind of emotional and physical upheaval few people suffer in an entire lifetime, let along the course of 24 months. The stress levels are at an all time high so it is really no huge surprise I am currently not very hospitable for a fetus.

A few days ago I began a course of drugs to increase my ovulation. After a battery of tests on me and Charming, my doctor discovered I am not ovulating like I should be. Apparently, my eggs don't like to drop and thus I am not going to get pregnant without a little assistance. The first step is to be taking this prescription at certain times during my cycle, tracking my temperature when I am supposed to be ovulating and getting regular blood tests to check the results. Oh, and of course screwing like bunnies until something, anything, happens. This process will continue each month, increasing the dosage of the drugs, until I reach some sort of cap and we then reconsider our options.

I am trying not to think about what the next step is yet until I get through this one because I am still processing the fact I failed my first round of tests. I am not perfectly fine, capable of conceiving without help and thus feel a bit like a failure. I know millions of women need help getting pregnant, heck I know some of them myself. But I never pictured myself to be one. I figured I would be like several of my friends and get pregnant with no problem, or even by accident. And then I will be able to focus on my baby and how things will be handled when we become a family. Never did I imagine I may have a hard time getting to the family part in the first place.

Charming, who of course passed his tests with flying colors, has been assuring me he bodes me no ill will that I am the failure in this situation, despite my claims he should find himself a good sturdy woman he can use as a brood mare. He has been wonderfully supportive and willing to help in any way he can. So of course I have made him my slave and convinced him the more he waits on me the more my body becomes a healthy environment for our future fetus. Unfortunately he caught on after about an hour of fetching things for me upstairs while I lounged around on the couch and asked to be fed bon bons while he fanned me with palm frond.

The pills are not supposed to have any side effects except perhaps nausea and a chance of multiple births. We, as well as my vajay-jay, are in agreement that having two at once would be a welcome alternative to spreading out the births. Two for the price of one is good in any situation, right? But I am getting ahead of myself here...let's see if these darn pills do anything first.

Buying the double stroller can come later.

The One About The Day That Changed Everything

Ten years.

How has it been ten years already?

I can still remember every tiny detail of that day. They are crystal clear, like watching a movie in my mind. A horror movie I can't look away from.

I remember being awakened by my best friend M a little after 9 AM. I remember working the night shift only a few hours before and was not happy about being pulled from my bed. But being in the news business she knew something like a plane hitting the World Trade Center was big news and I would want to see it. I remember stumbling into the living room, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and focusing on the TV right before the second plane hit. I remember my knees falling out from under me.

I remember seeing but not believing that what I was witnessing was really happening. That it must be a joke, a scene from a movie. I remember the tears starting to fall and not stopping. I remember the fear choking my throat as M and I held each other and sat on the couch, captivated by the horrible images playing over and over again in front of us.

I remember needing to talk to Charming and my family. I remember not being able to get through to them and this making me panic. I remember finally getting a hold of Charming, hearing that he had been trying to call me too, and the relief I felt when he told me he was coming to me.

I remember finally getting through to my mother and the terror in her voice as she told me her news channel was saying another hijacked plane was entering Cleveland's airspace. I remember hearing M talking to her mother on her phone and telling me they were evacuating downtown Cleveland and her mother was being forced to leave her building. I remember looking out our high rise patio doors and seeing a huge plane, larger than life, turning around over the lake and heading back East. I remember woodenly telling my mother that plane was flying past our apartment and her pleading with me to get out of our building.

That chilling moment is one that replays over and over. That terror of the unknown rooted me to the spot, staring at that plane, not knowing if it would turn to come at me. It froze me in a way I hope I never again experience.

I remember flipping through channels on the TV and everyone showing the same images, even MTV. I remember seeing that second plane fly into the second tower over and over again. I remember watching the Pentagon burn and thinking what's next? I remember seeing people throw themselves out of the World Trade Center, preferring to fall to their deaths instead of burning alive. I remember remarking to M the stations will stop showing those images soon because they were too gruesome.

When the first tower fell, I remember screaming. And then it was silent for just a few moments as the reality sank in. That life will now never be the same again.

I remember hearing that the plane that flew past our windows had crashed in Pennsylvania. I remember wondering where that plane had been headed. I remember calling work to see if M and I needed to come in early. We were told no, so we just sat and watched the TV.

When the second tower fell, I remember being numb. I remember not having the capacity to understand what had just happened. I remember crying. I don't think I stopped crying for days.

I remember Charming coming to our door and just holding me. He had made what was usually a 2 hour drive in just under an hour and 15 minutes. I remember we sat and watched the TV for hours.

Over the next few days I went back and forth to work as we stood vigil over the network coverage of the tragedy. We were on stand-by but we all knew we wouldn't break in with anything local while network had control. The footage was just too compelling. It was amazing to see all the TV networks working together for once, a small sign of how the entire Nation came together on that day. For a few days, we were all united. We were all one Nation. We were all together in this tragedy.

Charming tried to make sure I ate and slept and the TV stayed on 24/7. I couldn't stop watching the stories pouring out and gripping my heart. I felt like if I didn't watch I would be doing a disservice to those who died. Funny how now watching footage from that day is so hard, so heart wrenching. Back then I couldn't get enough and now I can't stand to watch.

I think about 9/11 more often than I thought I would. When I fly or when we do a story on the war in Afghanistan, 9/11 haunts my mind. I wonder if others think about it as much as I do. When I most think about it is when I consider bringing a child into a post 9/11 world and how sorry I am that they won't know how life was before that day. How we felt safe and secure and how bad things feel now. I know everything going on in the world today is not directly the result of 9/11, but it is hard for me to not think about our happy before and this tragic and scary after.

To those who lost their lives ten years ago today, I mourn that you were taken in such a way. Needlessly ripped away from loved ones in a malicious act of defiance. To the brave men and women who ran into the burning buildings while making sure everyone else got out, you are true heroes. To the amazing Americans that took their fate in their own hands and brought down United 93, thank you for the sacrifice you made to save more lives. To the families missing a loved one, especially those children who did not even get the chance to meet their parent, (the footage of young Patrick Mate Lyons reading this letter to the father he never met at the firefighters' memorial mass yesterday had me in tears) I keep you in my heart and know you will meet them again some day.

9/11 may have destroyed a lot of things that day. But the one thing it could never take away was the American spirit. And for that I am forever proud to be an American.

Never forget.

The One With The Lack Of Desire To Do Anything

10 Signs I Know I Am Depressed

1. Fall TV is a mere two weeks away and I can barely gather the energy to plan out my Tivo schedule.

2. I have yet to watch the final episode of The Glee Project.

3. When faced with the option of either mindlessly watching TV or losing myself in a good book I chose to…sleep.

4. I had a kitty wanting to snuggle with me and instead I pushed her to the ground because I had no energy to even pet her.

5. A guy cut me off and almost made me crash on the highway and I didn’t even give him the finger.

6. I cried during an episode of Law and Order I happened to be flipping channels past because the cop was being mean to the supposed bad guy (I had no idea what was going on in the episode) In fact, I'm crying at the stupidest things. I also seem to freak out over the stupidest things too.

7. On the other hand a coworker told me about his step-mother-in-law’s tragic accident and the family having to decide what to do and I felt not one stirring of any emotion. That scared me.

8. I can not find the energy to do anything, even things I usually enjoy, let alone things like laundry, cleaning and various tasks I need to do. Thus I am finding recycling socks and cat litter covering the tile floor are not so bad.

9. I don’t want to talk to anyone because the idea of trying to explain everything that is going on and why I sound depressed is too overwhelming to even think about let alone execute.

10. I am snapping at Charming for the littlest things. I don’t mean to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I can’t stop myself.

One more, because this one is most troubling of all: I am not getting as upset with shit at work like I usually do. Either I have accepted it is going to suck or I just don’t have the energy to care anymore. I know I have to get out of there but I don’t know what to do. Seems silly to leave a job that pays somewhat well when so many are out there unable to find work.

I am also so disgusted with myself and how I look, how I have let myself go. But it is too overwhelming to try to do anything about it. I fear I am passed the point of any help.

So this is why I can’t seem to blog. Which is ironic because so much is going on and I know talking about it would probably help, blogging should be the logical course for me to deal. But I can’t muster up anything extra in order to write things out. I barely have enough energy to get through my day to day. Too many horrible things are happening and I am getting overwhelmed. I would love to be able to go to bed for a month and hope everything will work itself out, but I know that is not going to happen. I know I should get everything out, I know it would help, especially with the depression, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about much any more. I don’t care to talk, to do anything. I just need to try and be.

Because just being is so hard for me right now.

The One With This And That

I have had a bunch of things bouncing around in my head for awhile. Time to do a bullet list!

~We are currently battling with our insurance company and the hospital Charming went to when we was ill due to the $4000 bills we have received. We are hoping for a reduction from the hospital or an increase in what the insurance will cover. We don't want to pay nothing, he did have the services after all, but we should have only paid $100 and then some for the doctor. I am thinking this will not go away any time soon and lawyers may get involved. Joy.

~And in the middle of all this medical bill crap our promissory note for the short-sale decided to kick in. We had been in a state of repose until Wells Fargo got their act together and sent the info to the housing insurance company. I would have been happy with another six to twelve months of not having to pay but no such luck. Wells Fargo sent in their information and now we have another $120 bill each month. Joy times two. Charming blames the fact we called them last month to give them our new address and they suddenly realized, hey we are not screwing them any more, let's make them pay when they can't afford it.

~Portia has started scratching her nose constantly with her back feet, like she has an incessant itchy nose. The problem is she uses her back claws and now has permanent gouges in and around her nose she is reopening with every scratch. I have tried putting bag balm on to ease the itching and the bleeding but since it is her nose she just licks it off. I am sure it is an allergy of some kind but can't figure out what it could be other than the carpet in the new house. I think I may have to take her to the vet to get a steroid shot or she is going to have no nose left.

~Also, the cats have begun crapping outside their litter box the day before I change it/scoop the poop. It's always on the mat right outside the box like they couldn't bear to go inside and do their business so they just did it in the next available spot. We get trash picked up twice a week so on Monday's I clean the box and on Thursdays I scoop out all the poop and sprinkle scented powder on the litter. They have never had a problem before. I would scoop it more often but I don't have anywhere to store the poop in between garbage days. And the garage would STINK if I put it out there in the heat. So I tried cutting back on their food a bit, not giving them as much dry. Which doubly works because Portia could benefit from dropping a pound or two. She is not overly fat yet but she could head that way. So far no poop outside the box...but it is trash day tomorrow, they still have some time.

~Went and saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and OH. MY. GOD. It was AMAZING! I wanted to turn around and see it again right away. Just the perfect conclusion to an incredible series. But I am also sad that it is all over now. I am going to miss Harry. He has been a part of my life longer than I have been with Charming.

~Speaking of movies, there are so many I want to see. But we can not afford at all to see any of them. We made an exception for Harry Potter because, well, it's Harry freakin' Potter and that needed to be seen. Even so, we saved up and made it an experience for both of us. But other films, like Friends With Benefits, Crazy, Stupid, Love and The Help (which I also read and was incredible) are a few that pop into my head, I will wait for DVD. I still have to see Black Swan and The King's Speech. I am seriously behind on my TV viewing.

~I wish I could be at Comic-Con this year. A lot of my favorite shows/movies/actors are there. Seeing it online is not quite the same.

~Work sucks. That's all I am going to say about that.

~We got to meet another blogger friend. Jen and her husband came to Vegas for a conference and we managed to cram a bunch of stuff in over the two days they were here. We had such a great time with them and hope they return soon! We have so much more to do with them. Jennifer is just as nice and sweet as I always knew she would be. So that is now my 9th Internet/blogger meet up that has been a success. But there are several more I would love to meet still!

~I have been on a reading frenzy. I blew through Lynsay Sands' Argeaneu series, all thirteen books, in about a month. I love being able to read so much but I know once the fall TV season starts up I will drop down again.

~I am itching to go to New York again and see some shows. And if the rumors prove true, and Darren Criss replaces Daniel Radcliffe in "How To Succeed..." I will be on a plane to NY so fast it will make your head spin.

~I am sure there is more but I am tired and I should probably tackle some things I have been neglecting. Namely the mountain of laundry in my family room.

The One With Our New House

I know I have been horrible. There has just been so much going on. So much to attend to.

Getting the house ready. Entertaining some guests. Struggling to figure out how in world to pay for $4000 in medical bills.

Yes, Charming's bills for his hospital excursion came. And because the hospital we went to is not covered by his insurance we have to pay half. We are working with Charming's brother to see if we can do something about this since we were not told his insurance didn't cover his emergency room visit, even though we carefully checked their website before going and found the name of his insurance listed. Little did we know the large name at the top of the card was not in fact the name of Charming's insurance, but rather the small type in the lower right hand corner. So we are pleading with the hospital and the insurance to help us out. Because we just don't have $4000 to pay those bills. And then my car needed new rotors and a battery. And Charming's motorcycle is leaking from the front forks. Like our bank account, hemorrhaging money faster than we can make it.

The only thing we need now is for me to get pregnant and the tableau will be complete.

Our new house has been a struggle to get together as well. We have hit a couple of roadblocks we were not expecting. The main concern was when Charming went to replace the kitchen faucet and discovered the valves under the sink wouldn't turn off. So he went to turn off the main water valve. That one wouldn't turn off either. And the valve in the street was real loose. So we called a plumber. He replaced the kitchen valves (and replaced the faucet since he had everything undone any way) and has plans to come back and fix the main valve. Until then I can fret about a pipe bursting and not being able to turn off the water and the whole house flooding.

Because that is how my brain works.

Other issues are as follows:
~The other faucets are hard to turn on and off and the shower feels like you're pulling the pipes right out of the wall when you turn it on. Combination of shoddy workmanship and lack of use. Since this house was a vacation home and the previous owners only used it maybe half a dozen times in the past fifteen years everything is in pristine condition but also disintegrating from lack of use.
~All of the curtains I have are just short enough to not work in ANY of our windows. And we have A LOT of windows. I haven't decided if I am going to put up any curtains or not because it would be a huge expense.
~This house is much bigger so the electricity and gas bills are a bit of a concern. Therefore we have the A/C set higher than usual which makes me hot. But at least the ceiling fans help.
~There was only cable in the family room and the master bedroom and phone only in the kitchen and the master bedroom. We wanted cable in the guest bedroom. So in order to do that Charming had to go up in to the attic, run cable across the house, cut holes in the guest bedroom and fish the cable out from the attic. It was not a fun process in 100 degree heat.
~In putting away my Christmas dishes in the extra cabinet next to the fridge I discovered the shelves were cut a good inch too short and were barely resting on the shelf pegs. They came crashing down when I went to put some bowls on them. Shoddy workmanship again. So Charming had to cut me new shelves.
~The master bedroom doors scraped against the carpet something fierce. We could tell it would start to wear the carpet before long. So Charming shaved off the bottom of the doors.
~And since he had his power tools already out I had him cut the end of a cutlery tray off since it wouldn't fit in any of the drawers in the kitchen.

Slowly put surely we have gotten all the little quirks figured out. Like how we can't change the faucets in the bathroom because the fixtures underneath would have to be changed too to match up since they are too old. So we will live with the faucets that a bit hard to turn on and off. And the carpet is like a comb for the cats, I am constantly picking up fur balls every day. But we have adjusted and everything has found its place and we love it.

It's home.

The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Getting this house in order has been a struggle. I promise a detailed post about everything regarding the move and our new home is coming. We have just been so busy trying to get everything together for yesterday and our housewarming party. We worked really hard to have our home ready to show off to people and are pretty proud of the results.

Too bad no one showed up to see it.

Yes, we threw a party and no one came. It's amazing how quickly a 33-year-old woman can be propelled back 20 years and feel like an insecure 13-year-old again. Apparently I'm the girl no one wants to be friends with. Or at least not friends enough to care about such things as showing up to something you said you would attend. And then not even text me with some lame excuse of why they couldn't come. Every single movie where the young gawky female lead looks out the window at every car that passes by in hopes that someone, anyone will show up to her party? That was me last night. I was so excited to show off this house. Because this house is so us, finally a home we can love and share and have fun in. And with every passing minute, half hour, hour, the realization that we will probably be the only ones who appreciate how we put it together became apparent my heart broke just a little bit more.

So we have about $150 worth of alcohol (which, once we realized no one was coming we tried to make a considerable dent in ourselves) and about $60 of finger food to plow through. Charming, Charming's mother and eventually two of Charming's cousins and I tried to make the best of it with some kick ass games of pool and darts and then a rousing game of Apples to Apples. See, all the fun missed out! We have a kick ass game pad! Those people don't know what they were missing.

I am trying to be the bigger person and not let it get to me, but it is hard. Especially since this is the fourth time this has happened to me out here. I have planned something, a party and get together, and people say they are coming and no one does. It is just a wake-up call that people here are way different than I am used to. People around here say yes to just about anything and then if something better comes along they do that instead. Not how I do business so it breaks my heart. I don't try to throw things often. When I do it is something special, like Charming's birthday surprise which fell flat. Which means no more parties for me. No more bringing people into my personal life. And no more trusting people from work. Those who I think are friends really are not. At least not friends to the standard I am accustomed.

Plus no one said anything to me today until about an hour ago when only two people asked how my party went. When I said no one showed they acted shocked and said they were tired so that is why they did not come. It was a Friday night. Everyone in this city does something on Friday. It's like a law. And we had free alcohol! My husband took a day off specifically for nothing.

So I have decided to separate my work and private lives. No more cross over. No more attempting to bond. I have been hurt too many times.

Time to make work just work and enjoy Charming and the select few people who I know I can count on.

The One Where I Catch My Breath

Oy. Vey.

Well, we are moved.

And amongst the mountain of cardboard and newspaper a new home lay...somewhere.

But before we got there we had to first finish up at the old place. Cleaning, polishing, and sprucing to ensure we got our deposit back. And in between all of that we decided to hold a garage/moving sale.

Because we didn't have enough to do.

And I love getting up at 6:30 AM...three days in a row.

I finally found something worse than packing and unpacking. Pricing and haggling. And watching people who do the drive-by and don't even stop to see what we have. Listen, you can't get the lay of a garage sale from your car. You need to get out, peruse the merchandise. I am a hard-core garage saler, I know these things. So those not-serious people piss me off.

Tomorrow is day three of the sale and then we pack up whatever isn't sold and ship it off to the Salvation Army. Then we drop the keys off and wait for the walk through that will tell us if we get our deposit back. I think if we don't both Charming and I will go ballistic.

We have been getting things put away a bit in the new place but will really focus this weekend and plow through a lot. All the furniture is in place, it's just unpacking boxes now. We got some new faucets for our bathroom and the kitchen because the ones there were antiquated. I need to find some patio furniture for our massive outdoor space and perhaps a futon for the extra bedroom but other than that this house should be set. I will post some pictures when things get more put away.

Within all this controlled chaos, we had a bit of a scare with my mom this week. She was suddenly in the hospital with an infection in her red blood cells. She's going to be okay and is home now with antibiotics. But needless to say this scared the ever living out of me. As all of you know, a blood infection is what killed Charming's father. So I was sufficiently freaked out by this. Granted, my mom got treatment in time and was not as advanced as Charming's dad, but it brought back a whole flood of feelings and memories that I try not to relive. Also being 3000 miles away did not help matters. But she is doing okay and will be fine which is a huge relief for all of us.

So when I get a chance to breathe, when things finally, finally calm down, maybe I can relax. Or at least slow down.

That will be nice. I look froward to that day.

The One With The Day After

Moved.

Boxes everywhere.

Hurt everywhere.

Will write more when full sentences don't tax my brain.

Ow.

And oh my.

Still have a lot of work to do.

The One With The Day Before

I'm exhausted.

Between working and packing and hauling crap to the new place I am not sure what day it is or what my name is. I do however know that tomorrow is the BIG move. We are well prepared I think. The only things left in the old house are the large furniture. Our bedroom set, a couch, two love seats, two chairs, two entertainment centers, two desks, the cat condo, a bench, the bar, a small table, the beer fridge and one giant massive TV. Still not sure how we are going to move that 52" behemoth.

More bullet points for you:

~The lady from CenturyLink called. Apparently she had been trying to get a hold of me for the past few days but couldn't leave a message on our machine. (?) Any way, she said our appointment is all set for Tuesday and she would call me back to do the third party confirmation again. Still have not heard from her so I am not holding my breath about Tuesday. I have Cox on stand by after I see what happens.

~I convinced Charming that we didn't need to believe the Culligan guy (he was making a sales pitch after all) and we are having someone from the Water Authority to come test the water. I am sure they will tell us it is safe to drink just too hard. Then we need to talk to the owner about putting a water loop in so we can get a softener. I hope they agree since we did not know it did not have the loop and we can't install a softener without one.

~This house does not have a microwave. but never fear, we have one from our old apartment in Massachusetts! It's been boxed up all safe for eight years. We dug it out today and the first thing we noticed is the Styrofoam surrounding the microwave had melted to the plug. But it wasn't on the connectors so Charming scraped it off and we plugged it in. We put it on for 30 seconds and when we opened the door it was smoking. So we will be getting a new microwave. I guess the 115 degree heat got to it in our garage.

~We have some unwanted tenants in our garage, front stoop and back patio. I had parked in the garage to unload the electronics today because I didn't want anyone to see and get the idea to break into the new house. I walked to my car and saw something in the peripheral vision. I stopped inches in front of a Black Widow on a strand of web. I think it was dead but my shrieking called Charming who immediately swatted it with his hat...INTO MY FACE!! After many many minutes of doing the spidey dance and almost stripping on the driveway we still couldn't find it. So Charming sprayed everywhere and tomorrow we have to vacuum suck the little baddies up. He didn't tell me how many he found but he said "Enough." That is enough for me to know.

~Tomorrow night, while I am tired beyond belief in a new house surrounded by boxes and boxes of our crap, I mean beloved belongings, the cast of Glee will be performing at Mandalay Bay. To say it is ironic that I am actually off on the night of the concert and can't afford tickets hurts my soul.

~Today we ran to the store to pick up a few things since Charming can still only eat specific stuff. The cart we selected had some of its side wires broken and a sharp piece stuck up on one side. I didn't realized this and leaned right over it to place something in the cart. A sharp stabbing pain hit my stomach and I lifted my shirt to see I had punctured myself in the gut. It wasn't very deep, only through a layer of skin or so, and it bled very little but it stung like a bitch. In the checkout I asked the clerk if they had a first aid kit so I could clean the wound and put some antiseptic on it. Even though it went through my shirt, I don't know what is on that cart, so I wanted to get it cleaned up fast. Right when I finished the manager came up all worried. I showed him the cart and my bandaged cut and he about fell over himself with apologies. I think he thought I was going to sue or something. He kept asking if I wanted to fill out an incident report. I assured him I was fine, just wanted to make sure that cart gotten taken off the floor so no one else got hurt. He practically followed us all the way outside, apologizing again and again. Once in the car Charming remarked we should have demanded our groceries for free.

~Tomorrow I go to pick up the truck so Charming, who has to work tomorrow night and is working tonight until 3 AM, can sleep as much as he can before the insanity begins. So I will get the truck. The 27 foot truck. I am a tiny bit concerned. I have never driven anything so big. The only good thing is it is a pretty much straight shot from the truck place to our house so I won't have to turn too much.

I will see you all on the other side in our new house. If I survive that is...

The One Where We Take More Hits

And the hits just keep on coming...

~CenturyLink never called me back. So I called them AGAIN yesterday. Told the whole story to another person, who was a bit of a prick at first, until he pulled up the account and saw everything that had transpired. And this time they didn't include all of the service. So once again, everything had to be redone. This time, the sales person told me he would call me when he got off work on his own time to tell me when we sorted everything out and got us squared away. Once again, no call. So Charming and I decided that we would not go with them. We gave them five chances to prove to us they were worth of our business, way more chances than we should have given them, and they failed spectacularly each and every time. Ironically enough I received a robo call from CentruyLink today saying "there has been an update on your account, please call us to confirm." No thank you, and shove it.

~Yesterday the wind got worse and worse throughout the night so we had to stop things a bit early. Then last night around 3:30 AM I was awakened by the most horrendous noise. I thought a freight train was coming through our room. And then when I woke up enough to realize what it was I really thought we were in the middle of a tornado. The whole house was shaking, the roar unbearable. I couldn't sleep. So waking up at 7 AM was difficult. But we did and trudged over to the new house to meet the painter. It was a cloudless day, cold but nice. So happy to have dodged the weather bullet. An hour later the clouds plowed in and it poured. Off and on all day. Made moving really really difficult. And then I had to go to work and leave Charming all alone to finish moving things by himself.

~Today we had the Culligan water guy come by and assess our water since this house did not have a water softener. Vegas water is notoriously hard and usually softeners are needed. We knew this going in and were expecting to rent a softener for the time of our lease. What we did not expect was the Culligan guy to tell us that the water was hard and that it was undrinkable. In fact we shouldn't even bathe in it! Well, needless to say this changed things. We did not expect the water to be dangerous. And in order to make the water okay it is going to cost us a lot more money a month we can spend. So now we have to fight with the property manager/owner and hope they agree to install a softener and we will cover the filtering system. Or else I am not sure what we are going to done. Because we have to live there. But we need water too. I just worry because we knew there was no softener going in. I hope they can't hold the fact we had this knowledge before hand over our heads. We knew we needed a softener, we did not know the water wasn't safe softener or no softener. And that, to me, should be something the owner should take care of. I mean, it is a health issue, so they should have to make the house safe for us, right?

~In moving things yesterday we parked my car in our new driveway. Neither of us realized how steep the driveway was since we had not driven a car up on it when we looked at it. Now my car was bottoming out going up the driveway. Sure it was loaded down, but this got us to thinking. Charming's car is way lower than mine. How would he get his car up that steep an incline? And if he can't park in the garage what were we going to do? He couldn't park it on the street because he doesn't drive it every day. The HOA would certainly tow it. So another case of we didn't think things through enough and now we are stuck with the consequences. When are we going to learn to cover every single angle before jumping into something? I don't consider us impulsive people but we must be because we constantly get caught in these situations.

UPDATE: Since starting this post things have slowly been looking up. After having a mini breakdown when Charming called to tell me about the water issues, I directed probably the best show of my life which has nothing to do with our problems but did wonders to improving my mood. Then the rain stopped. And Charming called to tell me that he brought his car over and tested it out in the garage and as long as he goes super slow his car doesn't hit anything! He has only about a half inch of clearance but it clears. We rejoiced and I am thankful that I have someone in this mess with me who takes solace in the good we have together.

So I am holding on to the small wins. I will not let the bigger problems get me down. Everything will work out. Positive thinking!

The One Where I Almost Pull My Hair Out

Day one of moving and we have already hit some snags...

~Got a call from our new property manager. She was confirming our meet up today to get the keys. And to let us know the work needing to be done on the home was almost done but the contractors needed to finish up tomorrow. She said not to worry, they have a key and can come in and finish up without bothering us. Uh....what? We were told she was the only one to have a key. And now she's handing it out to contractors. Yes they may be certified and licensed and she knows them but that is not going to make us feel any better sleeping in a house where we don't know if someone we don't know has made a copy of our key. So now we have to change the locks tonight (on our dime), give our property manager a copy of our new key and get up early tomorrow to let the contractors in to finish up the job. Not how I wanted to start this whole process.

~The weather is wicked. It's the middle of May and it's not even 70 degrees here in Vegas. Toss in some 50 MPH wind gusts (the regular wind is steady around 35 MPH) and some threatening thunderclouds and we have perfect moving conditions. Yay!

~Called ADT to transfer our service to the new place. When we got the service a year ago I made sure to ask about transferring it if when we move because I knew we wouldn't be in this place for the entire 3 year contract. We were told not a problem, it's a simple process. Well, simple if you subtract the fact you have to close out your first account, reopen a new account under the new address, be charged a reactivation fee of $99 and all of the extras we added on at the old place are not included. You can believe I raised high holy hell about all of that. So they are sending us a $100 Visa gift card to offset the $99 fee and we are getting all the extras we had added on transferred too.

~Called CenturyLink to set up new service with them at the old place. Cox is just getting too expensive. Now a bit of background here: we tried to get CenturyLink set up before. But the technicians were confounded by the SmartBox in this house and spent 6 hours huddled in our Master closet, muttering to each other. After all that we still didn't have any service. When we tried to reschedule we had a specific time but they showed up three hours early. I flipped out and canceled the whole thing. Well, we decided since we were moving into a new place we would try them again. I went through the whole process with the new sales person and they sympathized with my previous bad experience and knocked off some fees for my troubles. Got all the way to the end where they connect you with a third party to confirm the phone number you are transferring and the phone number they read back to me is wrong. The lady says "you'll have to call CenturyLink back" and hangs up on me, So I call them back and get through to someone again, explain everything that happened AGAIN and find out the account has been cancelled. WHAT?? The lady was very sweet and apologetic but I couldn't believe I had to go through everything again. I am currently waiting for her to call me back to confirm everything and if I don't hear from them in the next hour I am saying screw it. We are sticking with Cox. There is only so much I can take.

~Called our current property management company to find out about transferring the electric, gas, water, etc. Then we asked about getting our deposit back. The lady informed up when we bring all of our keys and clickers down to the office to turn them in we can set up a time for a walk-through and after the walk-through it takes about 3-4 weeks to get the check. No one has said anything to us about what we needed to do regarding handing over keys or anything and I believe if we hadn't called no one would have told us. Just another reason why I am glad we are getting out of this place. I only hope the new place is a bit better. The key/contractor issue has me a bit concerned.

I really hope the next couple days improve in the luck department. Because I am hanging on by a thread. I am trying to stay positive but with every set back and issue it is getting harder and harder.

The One With The Treasure Hunt

In between all the packing craziness, Charming and I have been participating in a treasure hunt for the last two weeks. Because we certainly didn't have enough to do.

A local coin shop holds a yearly treasure hunt for a $10,000 gold medallion. Over two weeks you travel around to different points all over the valley to get clues from different merchants. The clues all lead to the exact location of the medallion. Last year it was so hard no one even came close to finding the prize so we were told they made it a bit easier this year. However, the clues were still incredibly obscure and could have lead to a half dozen different things.

Charming and I dutifully went to each clue spot and got our stamps. And after each clue we would sit and ponder the possibilities. One such clue said "Of about 300 in Nevada this one has over 600." See what I mean about obscure? That could be anything! We thought about casinos, stores, schools, banks. We knew it had to be some place that wouldn't mind participating in such a hunt and along the same lines of where we were getting the clues. But it was befuddling.

However, by clue four I had narrowed it down to three possibilities. The fourth clue mentioned "flouresense." The specific spelling of this word had to mean something. So I figured it referred to either a bakery (flour, of course), a flower shop (this was a reach but maybe it was relating to the French word for flower "fleur") or a jewelry store (the sparkle of a diamond is sometimes called the flouresense.) Nevada could certainly have about 300 of any of these things but I was thinking jewelry store was the best possibility since it was the most likely partner with a coin store.

At least I had convinced myself of that.

When we got the last clue on Friday it finally clued us in that I was on the right track all along. "The 2nd is Taylor. The 1st is Morgan. Both are jewels." A quick Google search and we discovered a Morgan Taylor Jewelers. We hot footed it over there and prepared to go in and poke around. A previous clue mentioned about asking DG if it is behind it and be careful because we only get to ask once. So we had to be exactly sure we knew what we were asking before we did.

Charming and I walked inside the store and immediately inside the door we saw a brochure for the coin store. We were in the right place! Now to figure out exactly where the medallion was hidden. All over the walls were paintings. "Ask DG if it is behind it." So it had to be behind a painting. Using hushed tones, Charming and I began to study the paintings to figure out which one would be the one to give up the prize. As we made our way around the room a man came from behind the curtain in the back of the store. He asked if he could help us and we told him no, too afraid of saying anything and giving up our one shot at winning. The man watched us for a minute and then cleared his throat as he realized we were scrutinizing the artwork on the walls.

"So, are you looking for the medallion?"

Charming and I looked at each other, unsure of what to say. "Uh, yes?" I stammered, still not wanting to say too much.

"Yeah, someone already found it about an hour ago."

An hour ago. We were an hour away from getting there first. And we happened to be right in front of the painting it had been hidden behind. Turns out the owner's initials are DG and he was the one to ask. But we never got that far. So close and yet so far.

All and all a bit disappointing, but a learning experience. We were pretty proud of ourselves for figuring it out all the way to the end. Unfortunately it was our tried asses who couldn't get up soon enough to be the first ones to get the final clue that failed. Next year will be different. We will be there ready to go before the places open. We got to turn our completed clue cards in for a chance to win $1,000 so we may still get something. But it was the idea of winning the gold medallion ourselves that gave the allure for the chase.

Probably the closest we would ever get to feeling like pirates.

The One With The Packing

Well...no call from the property manager.

*frowny face*

I am not surprised because that is our luck. We were resigned to the fact we would be in the other house and the Dream House is not for us right now. And we'll make it work because we always do. It'll be fine.

So now we are packing up a storm. And I am finding more and more stuff to get rid of. I guess that is the one good things about moving. It's a great way to purge.

I am a little befuddled though. Last year when we packed up our house I gathered seven huge black garbage bags filled with clothes, shoes and purses. This year I filled three more! I don't think we acquired that much more items of clothing so I am thinking I did not get rid of as much as I should have last time. Charming was just happy he still had something left to cover his cute behind.

The cats are confused but loving the adventure of climbing over the mountains of boxes and laying in newly emptied shelves. The upstairs is almost done, except our closet and bathroom which I plan to tackle tonight. The downstairs will hopefully be finished by Wednesday and then we can work on the garage before we get the keys the 17th and can start moving boxes in. But even with all the stuff packed up it looks like we haven't done anything. I don't remember having this much stuff, but we just keep plugging away. Our plan is to have the majority of the boxes moved over there before we get the big truck on the 21st so all we have to move is the furniture. It is a nice plan. Not sure we will be able to carry it off.

Then after we move in we are going to have a garage sale the 28th to get rid of everything we don't need. Between the 21st and the 28th we will clean and patch holes and paint to match so the house looks better than when we got it and we will be sure to get our full deposit back. Also we need to get the carpets cleaned. So if we time everything right it should all work out.

It's the little things I worry about. All the addresses we need changed, the calls to make about moving phones, cable, security systems. And there is some stuff we have to do at this house too, like install a water softener because it does not have one. But it will all get done. Because we always get things done.

See, I'm trying to be zen!

The One With The Move

Well, we didn't get the Dream House.

At least, we probably didn't get it.

That lady came back and said she wanted it and the property manager gave it to her. However, several things are in play. The lady's son really didn't want to move there and she had already put a deposit down on another place. She has until this weekend to sign the lease and if she doesn't we swoop in and take it.

However, in the meantime, the property manager, feeling guilty about how we got screwed out of our Dream House, showed us another property she had for lease. It's a little farther from where we wanted to be, not as nice as the Dream House, but better than where we are now. We are going to have to do some rearranging and figuring but we made the place we are in now work so we are up to the challenge. We agreed to move into this second house because 1) we wanted to stay with the property manager who is really nice and attentive and took care of all of our concerns. And 2) if we stuck with the property manager as soon as the Dream House became available we could move into it. Because no matter what we wanted that house, even if it means moving AGAIN. Ugh.

So we are now in the process of packing everything up. And man, I think all of our shit has accumulated over this past year. I don't remember there being this much stuff to pack. It also makes me worry about where we are going to put it all. But like I said, we made this house we are in now work, we will make this new one work.

We are moving the 21st. Because the 29th is a holiday and there is no way we would find anyone who could help us. That leaves us a little more than two weeks to get everything together and packed and ready to go. I am trying not to stress but it is hard. Since we don't have to be out of our old place until June 1st we are going to hold a garage sale the 28th to get rid of all the stuff we don't want to move. So if there is even a qualm about keeping something, into the garage sale pile it goes! Makes purging so much more fun now that I know I may make a profit off it and not have to pack something.

So things are moving along...and we are caught up in the whirlwind.

Of course we are still holding our breath through this weekend that we get that phone call saying the lady dropped out and the Dream House is ours.

Trying to keep the hope alive!

The One With The Dashed Dreams (Maybe...)

Today was supposed to be a better day.

I mean, yes, my brother was leaving to move to Virginia and it was hard to say goodbye to him. But I know I will see him again in January when he hopefully moves back.

But today was going to be great to two huge reasons.

Number one, the Royal Wedding is tonight. As I am a huge lover of anything and everything British, this is an event I am so happy to be able to witness. I know a lot of people are not interested and think I am insane for being so excited about two people I don't know getting married. But I am. It is a true fairy tale and I am going to be watching it front and center on TV tonight.

Number two, today we were going to find out that our dream house we wanted to rent was ours.

Were.

Let me back up.

We have been wanting to move out of our rental for some time. Actually since before we moved in. We rented it because it was close to Charming's mom and fit some of our needs and was okay. But we settled and we never quite warmed to the place. We knew there would be issues off the bat when we went to move in and the owner had not cleaned anything before she left or patched any holes or painted like she said she would. Ran out of time we were told. So we cleaned everything and steamed the carpets and Charming patched holes and painted. Then we had some issues we brought up with the management company. The fridge ran all the time, the microwave sounded like it was going to launch out of the house when it ran and we had some issues with the landscaping. Heard nothing back ever. Then we got some notes from the HOA. Third notices that had been given to the owner and then passed onto us. That's right, I said THIRD notices, when she was already threatened with a trial, that's when we heard of any issues. The final straw was when Charming heard voices outside our house one day and went outside to see a guy and a girl painting a wire on the side of the house. Apparently the owner had been threatened with a lien by the HOA to paint the wire the same color of the house or we would get thrown out.

We needed to get out. As much as we hated to move again it was necessary. Our lease is up at the end of May and then we are on a month to month. We figured we would find a place and then give them 30 days notice and move out.

So we started looking. It was discouraging because we were finding nothing that fit us. We didn't want to rush into something again and settle for something that didn't fit. We had been burned by first our house and then this rental so we were being a little cautious.

Then yesterday we found it. THE PERFECT HOUSE! This is the house I would buy if I could. Everything we wanted and more. I had to really nitpick to find things wrong with it that I could just deal with. And it had access to a clubhouse that houses two pools and fitness center and more! Plus it is only two blocks from Charming's mother's house so we would still be close to help her. The only issue was the rent was a bit higher than we wanted so we asked the property manager if the owner might meet the price we were paying now. She didn't think it would be a problem so she said she would ask the owner and get back to us today. So we left, glowing in the knowledge that we had finally found a place we could be happy.

Then this morning our rental management property called for the house we are currently in. Apparently the owner's new husband wanted a more definitive answer than just month to month and wanted us to secure another six months or a year. If we wanted to leave at the end of our lease we needed to go down today to give them written notice that we would be out by June 1st. We had had enough and went down with our letter. We figured no matter what we didn't want to stay in that place any more so we would be moving.

About five minutes after dropping off that letter the property manager from the dream house called. She had good news and bad news. The good news is the owner agreed to the lower rent. We said great! We would be over with a check right that minute. Then she said, well, that's the bad news. Apparently she had shown the place the day before to another lady and she was interested too. Since she was first seeing it she had first dibs. But, the lady wanted to wait until all the painting and cleaning and landscaping was done in two weeks before making a decision. We were ready right now despite the place not looking perfect when we saw it. So the property manager gave the woman until tomorrow, Friday, to tell her if she wanted the place or not. The property manager felt really bad because she knows how much we want it and we are willing to give her the deposit right now, but since this woman had seen it first she needed to give her time to decide. Never mind she saw it the day before us and wanted to wait and we were ready to go right now. If we had given a check yesterday to secure it, even without knowing if the owner would have come down on the rent, it would have been ours. But since no money changed hands she has to give the previous lady a chance.

Charming and I are devastated. Had we known someone else had seen it we would have given a deposit right away because it is the kind of place that would be snatched right up. And the property manager did admit she didn't come right out and tell us someone had seen it before but that she had mentioned that she was there the day before showing it. However, in my bliss at finding the perfect house I didn't hear that or comprehend what that meant. So now, because Charming and I were trying to be careful and not rush again we may miss out on our dream house. And this has happened four times to us before. It seems we are always just one step too late and then we find something not as good so we settle.

We are damned if we rush and damned if we wait.

But wait now we must. For the phone call saying this woman doesn't want it. My fear is that because she now knows we want it so bad she may just say yes because of that. The whole "Well, if it is in demand I must have it" mentality that people out here seem to have. I told Charming no matter what happens we will be okay, we always are, I just hope for a little leeway this time and that something goes our way for once.

The One With The Easter Wishes

Hoppy Easter everyone!!


Charming's mother made us Easter baskets which was a welcome surprise. We aren't ones to really celebrate Easter much, so the baskets full of goodies and chocolate were a great treat. However I did manage to go to church and create an Easter egg hunt for Charming when he got home from work last night. I used springly colored wrapped Reese Cups and hid them around our house. Half the work was trying to keep the cats from giving away all my careful hiding spots. Those furry girls are great seekers, especially for things they shouldn't be seeking. Charming had a great time finding them all and I only had to "help" him with the last few. The Easter egg hunt was done every year in my parents' house and I have done it every year since I left home, carrying on the tradition. We may be adults but we can still have fun like children.

Today we went to Charming's mother's house for Easter dinner. Ham, cheesy potatoes, steamed broccoli, strawberry shortcake and carrot cake (in honor of the Easter Bunny.) Charming managed to eat almost everything and felt fine afterward, which is huge progress. I am still planning on posting about the whole debacle regarding his condition soon. I just need a bit more time to process all the craziness.

So Happy Easter! My your hearts be filled with joy and your baskets filled with chocolate!

The One With The Day That Shouldn't Be

One year.

365 days.

It feels so long ago and like yesterday simultaneously.

I guess pain knows no time limit. No boundaries.

I waited all day to write this post. Because I didn't want to write it. Writing it made it seem more real. Even after 365 days of praying for a different reality.

One year ago today we lost an amazing young man in the most unimaginable way possible. In the days, weeks, months since I have tried to wrap my head around the why. And how we may never know. I don't think an answer would make the pain any less but I can't help but wonder what if. What if someone had talked to him? What if he had reached out? What if a tiny change in the days leading up to that moment may have altered the future for the better?

I wish I had an answer, a way to make things better. Because I can't stand seeing my dear friends in so much pain all the time. They are barely holding on, bravely facing each day with a misery I can not even begin to imagine. And there is nothing I can do for them except show my support and give them my love. But even that feels empty, not enough to fill the void their son has left behind.

However, there are small things I can do. Love those I care about and make sure they know it. Per Hallie's request she made it clear that we should all tell those we love how we feel. Say those important three words as much as possible. I try to do this every chance I get. The sudden loss of Charming's father made this second nature for me.

Become an organ donor. Hallie and her family made the impossible decision to donate CJ's organs to people in need. Because of their selfless act several people now have a new lease on life. A bit of good coming out of something so bad. I have always been an organ donor and will now help people understand how important this decision is and how your loved should know your wishes in order to make them possible.

Participate in suicide prevention programs. Never before has it become so much more apparent to me that there are people out there who may need help but don't know how to ask for it. I would do anything to stop another family from having to go through the pain and suffering that suicide causes. I plan on finding a way to add my support to the cause of suicide prevention.

All of this to honor a wonderful and brilliant young man, CJ Twomey, whose light I know shines down upon us all. CJ, we miss you and love you. Please help your family through these very difficult times. You can help bring them a bit of peace by watching over them and bringing your light back into their dark world.

I had a dream last night. In the dream CJ and Charming's father were together, just sitting around, trading funny stories. When I came upon them they smiled at me and kept on talking, making each other laugh. I awoke with a sense of peace for the first time a very long time. I'd like to think this means they are up there and doing okay.

And that made me smile.

Keep smiling on us, kiddo.

The One WIth The Post Promise

Oh man.

There is so much going on. So much to talk about.

I am coming here to lay it all out for everyone. I promise.

But I just don't have any time right now. Hopefully soon.

Just wanted to let you all know I didn't forget about you. I will come here and explain everything.

Trust me. You are going to want to wait for this one.

The One With The Dream

I was flipping through the channels on the TV at work, trying to find something to have on in the background while I prepared my shows for the night. The strains of a familiar melody caught my attention and I found myself landing on our local PBS affiliate. It's pledge time so their programming is designed to draw you in and give money to receive what fabulous show they are airing. In this instance, it was the 25th Anniversary of Les Miserables Live!

My favorite show ever.

This is the musical I dreamed about being a part of. I yearned to play Eponine or Cosette. As I got older I realized I could probably pull off Fantine too, I did sing "I Dreamed A Dream" at my senior year theatre concert. But Eponine was MY part. I was Eponine. I know her songs, her parts, her angst at loving a man who would never love her in that way back inside and out. And I would get to die on stage. I always found that to be so romantic. I can sing "On My Own" like no body's business and have used it for several auditions. I wanted to play Eponine and be a part of that show so badly I would practice, practice, practice. I dreamed a dream that one day I would make that dream come true.

But I never did. I never even went so far as to look into auditioning. All because I never really thought I would be good enough. I could have trained and worked to make it come true but I went another direction. I chose a different path. And I think I shall always regret that.

Watching this performance today made me nostalgic for my theatre days. I loved performing and I miss being on stage. Theatre, singing and acting was such a huge part of my life for so many years, to suddenly not be doing it any more feels wrong. Like a part of me is not quite right. Maybe that is why I feel so unsettled, so not like me lately. I am missing an integral part of my soul, my being.

I just don't know how to get theatre back into my life. I would love to be a part of a show again, to perform again. About as close as I get to performing these days is when I manage to get in some karaoking here and there. And that is not quite what I would call performing. I need to find a way to let my musical nature be indulged. Because I feel incomplete without it.

In the meantime, I'm still dreaming the dream of making my theatre dreams come true. Who knows, maybe I'll find my way to the big Broadway stage yet.

That's what dreams are for, right?

The One With The Eventual Goodbye

My Dad called me this morning.

He informed me that my grandmother had made the decision to take my grandfather off all of his medications.

Since his fall and then subsequent hip surgery in November, my grandfather has had several ups and downs. There were tiny whispers of improvement, things that sparked hope that maybe, just maybe he would come out of everything all right. He left the hospital for a rehab/nursing home facility to work on getting his strength back and try to work up to where we would be able to come home. For my grandfather, being in a nursing is the kiss of death. The two weeks he had to spend in one after his stroke a few years ago were hell and he vowed he would never go back to one again. So I know he was devastated to have to return, even for a short period of time. However, he worked as hard as he could to try and make his time there brief.

Then the bleeds started. He was on watch when blood appeared in his stool, sent to the hospital when that became a steady amount all the time. They gave him a transfusion and he bounced back a bit. But it was not a cure-all and soon he would need another transfusion since he was losing too much blood. They couldn't find out what was wrong without more surgery and due to his age and condition there would again be no guarantees he would survive. They opted to not take him to the bigger hospital for exploratory surgery. Then first hard decision my grandmother had to make was to say no more hospital trips, no more transfusions.

They moved my grandfather to a private room, made him comfortable, and the wait began. He soon lost interest in eating. That, combined with his constant blood loss, caused more wear on an already very tired body. They began to curb his lack of food intake with vitamins and supplements, as well as various pain meds and any other previous medications he was on for his aneurysm, blood condition, etc (there are so many things, I can't keep track) Last week I called him and he was alert enough to talk for a while but tired easily and quickly needed to rest.

I believe that is going to be the last time I will have ever spoken to my grandfather.

According to my Dad, he has stopped responding to any one. He doesn't talk any more. He doesn't move much. He has whithered away to around 110 pounds which on his tall frame is what I can imagine is skeletal. He has been moved to the hospice care section of the nursing home, close to the nursing station and has a specialized doctor there to make sure he is comfortable and out of pain. Plans have been made and set in place for weeks as we wait for what we all know is going to come.

The decision my grandmother made that will be put into effect tomorrow is to take him off all the supplements and medications, with the exception of the pain meds. They are not helping him, not making his quality of life any better. And while I don't want to lose my beloved grandfather, I am glad this decision was made. My grandmother even told me today she should have made it sooner than now. She just didn't now how to. But it's time. My grandfather, a proud and wonderful man, is wasting away and he deserves to go with dignity, deserves to let God take him into his arms and finally ease all the pain and suffering he has endured for so long. He wouldn't want to be like this, and since he can no longer tell us that, it is up to us to make the hard decisions and finally let him go.

But knowing that doesn't make the eventual goodbye any easier to bear.

My heart is breaking. I love him so. I don't want him to leave. I think about all the times I spent with him, the love and support he gave me, how close we became when I went to college and was only an hour away from them for seven years. Mostly, I am devastated that he will not be around to see a child of my own. That our future generation will not be able to share in his love and his amazing personality. I know I will do everything I can to make sure our children know how brave and wonderful my grandfather was. A young man who married his teenage sweetheart, went off to fight in World War II and came home to build a family, traveled all over this country and helped shape my life into what it is today.

I wait for that phone call that I know is going to come. I wait and wonder what I will feel in that moment when I lose another loved one.