The One With The Pills

I have been doing a lot of wondering lately.

I wonder why it's so easy for some people.

I wonder why we are having such a difficult time.

I wonder if I am being punished.

I wonder if our dream will ever come true.

I wonder if we should bother any more.

We have been trying for almost two years to get pregnant with no avail. Granted, these past two years have been filled with the kind of emotional and physical upheaval few people suffer in an entire lifetime, let along the course of 24 months. The stress levels are at an all time high so it is really no huge surprise I am currently not very hospitable for a fetus.

A few days ago I began a course of drugs to increase my ovulation. After a battery of tests on me and Charming, my doctor discovered I am not ovulating like I should be. Apparently, my eggs don't like to drop and thus I am not going to get pregnant without a little assistance. The first step is to be taking this prescription at certain times during my cycle, tracking my temperature when I am supposed to be ovulating and getting regular blood tests to check the results. Oh, and of course screwing like bunnies until something, anything, happens. This process will continue each month, increasing the dosage of the drugs, until I reach some sort of cap and we then reconsider our options.

I am trying not to think about what the next step is yet until I get through this one because I am still processing the fact I failed my first round of tests. I am not perfectly fine, capable of conceiving without help and thus feel a bit like a failure. I know millions of women need help getting pregnant, heck I know some of them myself. But I never pictured myself to be one. I figured I would be like several of my friends and get pregnant with no problem, or even by accident. And then I will be able to focus on my baby and how things will be handled when we become a family. Never did I imagine I may have a hard time getting to the family part in the first place.

Charming, who of course passed his tests with flying colors, has been assuring me he bodes me no ill will that I am the failure in this situation, despite my claims he should find himself a good sturdy woman he can use as a brood mare. He has been wonderfully supportive and willing to help in any way he can. So of course I have made him my slave and convinced him the more he waits on me the more my body becomes a healthy environment for our future fetus. Unfortunately he caught on after about an hour of fetching things for me upstairs while I lounged around on the couch and asked to be fed bon bons while he fanned me with palm frond.

The pills are not supposed to have any side effects except perhaps nausea and a chance of multiple births. We, as well as my vajay-jay, are in agreement that having two at once would be a welcome alternative to spreading out the births. Two for the price of one is good in any situation, right? But I am getting ahead of myself here...let's see if these darn pills do anything first.

Buying the double stroller can come later.

The One About The Day That Changed Everything

Ten years.

How has it been ten years already?

I can still remember every tiny detail of that day. They are crystal clear, like watching a movie in my mind. A horror movie I can't look away from.

I remember being awakened by my best friend M a little after 9 AM. I remember working the night shift only a few hours before and was not happy about being pulled from my bed. But being in the news business she knew something like a plane hitting the World Trade Center was big news and I would want to see it. I remember stumbling into the living room, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and focusing on the TV right before the second plane hit. I remember my knees falling out from under me.

I remember seeing but not believing that what I was witnessing was really happening. That it must be a joke, a scene from a movie. I remember the tears starting to fall and not stopping. I remember the fear choking my throat as M and I held each other and sat on the couch, captivated by the horrible images playing over and over again in front of us.

I remember needing to talk to Charming and my family. I remember not being able to get through to them and this making me panic. I remember finally getting a hold of Charming, hearing that he had been trying to call me too, and the relief I felt when he told me he was coming to me.

I remember finally getting through to my mother and the terror in her voice as she told me her news channel was saying another hijacked plane was entering Cleveland's airspace. I remember hearing M talking to her mother on her phone and telling me they were evacuating downtown Cleveland and her mother was being forced to leave her building. I remember looking out our high rise patio doors and seeing a huge plane, larger than life, turning around over the lake and heading back East. I remember woodenly telling my mother that plane was flying past our apartment and her pleading with me to get out of our building.

That chilling moment is one that replays over and over. That terror of the unknown rooted me to the spot, staring at that plane, not knowing if it would turn to come at me. It froze me in a way I hope I never again experience.

I remember flipping through channels on the TV and everyone showing the same images, even MTV. I remember seeing that second plane fly into the second tower over and over again. I remember watching the Pentagon burn and thinking what's next? I remember seeing people throw themselves out of the World Trade Center, preferring to fall to their deaths instead of burning alive. I remember remarking to M the stations will stop showing those images soon because they were too gruesome.

When the first tower fell, I remember screaming. And then it was silent for just a few moments as the reality sank in. That life will now never be the same again.

I remember hearing that the plane that flew past our windows had crashed in Pennsylvania. I remember wondering where that plane had been headed. I remember calling work to see if M and I needed to come in early. We were told no, so we just sat and watched the TV.

When the second tower fell, I remember being numb. I remember not having the capacity to understand what had just happened. I remember crying. I don't think I stopped crying for days.

I remember Charming coming to our door and just holding me. He had made what was usually a 2 hour drive in just under an hour and 15 minutes. I remember we sat and watched the TV for hours.

Over the next few days I went back and forth to work as we stood vigil over the network coverage of the tragedy. We were on stand-by but we all knew we wouldn't break in with anything local while network had control. The footage was just too compelling. It was amazing to see all the TV networks working together for once, a small sign of how the entire Nation came together on that day. For a few days, we were all united. We were all one Nation. We were all together in this tragedy.

Charming tried to make sure I ate and slept and the TV stayed on 24/7. I couldn't stop watching the stories pouring out and gripping my heart. I felt like if I didn't watch I would be doing a disservice to those who died. Funny how now watching footage from that day is so hard, so heart wrenching. Back then I couldn't get enough and now I can't stand to watch.

I think about 9/11 more often than I thought I would. When I fly or when we do a story on the war in Afghanistan, 9/11 haunts my mind. I wonder if others think about it as much as I do. When I most think about it is when I consider bringing a child into a post 9/11 world and how sorry I am that they won't know how life was before that day. How we felt safe and secure and how bad things feel now. I know everything going on in the world today is not directly the result of 9/11, but it is hard for me to not think about our happy before and this tragic and scary after.

To those who lost their lives ten years ago today, I mourn that you were taken in such a way. Needlessly ripped away from loved ones in a malicious act of defiance. To the brave men and women who ran into the burning buildings while making sure everyone else got out, you are true heroes. To the amazing Americans that took their fate in their own hands and brought down United 93, thank you for the sacrifice you made to save more lives. To the families missing a loved one, especially those children who did not even get the chance to meet their parent, (the footage of young Patrick Mate Lyons reading this letter to the father he never met at the firefighters' memorial mass yesterday had me in tears) I keep you in my heart and know you will meet them again some day.

9/11 may have destroyed a lot of things that day. But the one thing it could never take away was the American spirit. And for that I am forever proud to be an American.

Never forget.

The One With The Lack Of Desire To Do Anything

10 Signs I Know I Am Depressed

1. Fall TV is a mere two weeks away and I can barely gather the energy to plan out my Tivo schedule.

2. I have yet to watch the final episode of The Glee Project.

3. When faced with the option of either mindlessly watching TV or losing myself in a good book I chose to…sleep.

4. I had a kitty wanting to snuggle with me and instead I pushed her to the ground because I had no energy to even pet her.

5. A guy cut me off and almost made me crash on the highway and I didn’t even give him the finger.

6. I cried during an episode of Law and Order I happened to be flipping channels past because the cop was being mean to the supposed bad guy (I had no idea what was going on in the episode) In fact, I'm crying at the stupidest things. I also seem to freak out over the stupidest things too.

7. On the other hand a coworker told me about his step-mother-in-law’s tragic accident and the family having to decide what to do and I felt not one stirring of any emotion. That scared me.

8. I can not find the energy to do anything, even things I usually enjoy, let alone things like laundry, cleaning and various tasks I need to do. Thus I am finding recycling socks and cat litter covering the tile floor are not so bad.

9. I don’t want to talk to anyone because the idea of trying to explain everything that is going on and why I sound depressed is too overwhelming to even think about let alone execute.

10. I am snapping at Charming for the littlest things. I don’t mean to be mean, I don’t want to be, but I can’t stop myself.

One more, because this one is most troubling of all: I am not getting as upset with shit at work like I usually do. Either I have accepted it is going to suck or I just don’t have the energy to care anymore. I know I have to get out of there but I don’t know what to do. Seems silly to leave a job that pays somewhat well when so many are out there unable to find work.

I am also so disgusted with myself and how I look, how I have let myself go. But it is too overwhelming to try to do anything about it. I fear I am passed the point of any help.

So this is why I can’t seem to blog. Which is ironic because so much is going on and I know talking about it would probably help, blogging should be the logical course for me to deal. But I can’t muster up anything extra in order to write things out. I barely have enough energy to get through my day to day. Too many horrible things are happening and I am getting overwhelmed. I would love to be able to go to bed for a month and hope everything will work itself out, but I know that is not going to happen. I know I should get everything out, I know it would help, especially with the depression, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about much any more. I don’t care to talk, to do anything. I just need to try and be.

Because just being is so hard for me right now.

The One With This And That

I have had a bunch of things bouncing around in my head for awhile. Time to do a bullet list!

~We are currently battling with our insurance company and the hospital Charming went to when we was ill due to the $4000 bills we have received. We are hoping for a reduction from the hospital or an increase in what the insurance will cover. We don't want to pay nothing, he did have the services after all, but we should have only paid $100 and then some for the doctor. I am thinking this will not go away any time soon and lawyers may get involved. Joy.

~And in the middle of all this medical bill crap our promissory note for the short-sale decided to kick in. We had been in a state of repose until Wells Fargo got their act together and sent the info to the housing insurance company. I would have been happy with another six to twelve months of not having to pay but no such luck. Wells Fargo sent in their information and now we have another $120 bill each month. Joy times two. Charming blames the fact we called them last month to give them our new address and they suddenly realized, hey we are not screwing them any more, let's make them pay when they can't afford it.

~Portia has started scratching her nose constantly with her back feet, like she has an incessant itchy nose. The problem is she uses her back claws and now has permanent gouges in and around her nose she is reopening with every scratch. I have tried putting bag balm on to ease the itching and the bleeding but since it is her nose she just licks it off. I am sure it is an allergy of some kind but can't figure out what it could be other than the carpet in the new house. I think I may have to take her to the vet to get a steroid shot or she is going to have no nose left.

~Also, the cats have begun crapping outside their litter box the day before I change it/scoop the poop. It's always on the mat right outside the box like they couldn't bear to go inside and do their business so they just did it in the next available spot. We get trash picked up twice a week so on Monday's I clean the box and on Thursdays I scoop out all the poop and sprinkle scented powder on the litter. They have never had a problem before. I would scoop it more often but I don't have anywhere to store the poop in between garbage days. And the garage would STINK if I put it out there in the heat. So I tried cutting back on their food a bit, not giving them as much dry. Which doubly works because Portia could benefit from dropping a pound or two. She is not overly fat yet but she could head that way. So far no poop outside the box...but it is trash day tomorrow, they still have some time.

~Went and saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and OH. MY. GOD. It was AMAZING! I wanted to turn around and see it again right away. Just the perfect conclusion to an incredible series. But I am also sad that it is all over now. I am going to miss Harry. He has been a part of my life longer than I have been with Charming.

~Speaking of movies, there are so many I want to see. But we can not afford at all to see any of them. We made an exception for Harry Potter because, well, it's Harry freakin' Potter and that needed to be seen. Even so, we saved up and made it an experience for both of us. But other films, like Friends With Benefits, Crazy, Stupid, Love and The Help (which I also read and was incredible) are a few that pop into my head, I will wait for DVD. I still have to see Black Swan and The King's Speech. I am seriously behind on my TV viewing.

~I wish I could be at Comic-Con this year. A lot of my favorite shows/movies/actors are there. Seeing it online is not quite the same.

~Work sucks. That's all I am going to say about that.

~We got to meet another blogger friend. Jen and her husband came to Vegas for a conference and we managed to cram a bunch of stuff in over the two days they were here. We had such a great time with them and hope they return soon! We have so much more to do with them. Jennifer is just as nice and sweet as I always knew she would be. So that is now my 9th Internet/blogger meet up that has been a success. But there are several more I would love to meet still!

~I have been on a reading frenzy. I blew through Lynsay Sands' Argeaneu series, all thirteen books, in about a month. I love being able to read so much but I know once the fall TV season starts up I will drop down again.

~I am itching to go to New York again and see some shows. And if the rumors prove true, and Darren Criss replaces Daniel Radcliffe in "How To Succeed..." I will be on a plane to NY so fast it will make your head spin.

~I am sure there is more but I am tired and I should probably tackle some things I have been neglecting. Namely the mountain of laundry in my family room.

The One With Our New House

I know I have been horrible. There has just been so much going on. So much to attend to.

Getting the house ready. Entertaining some guests. Struggling to figure out how in world to pay for $4000 in medical bills.

Yes, Charming's bills for his hospital excursion came. And because the hospital we went to is not covered by his insurance we have to pay half. We are working with Charming's brother to see if we can do something about this since we were not told his insurance didn't cover his emergency room visit, even though we carefully checked their website before going and found the name of his insurance listed. Little did we know the large name at the top of the card was not in fact the name of Charming's insurance, but rather the small type in the lower right hand corner. So we are pleading with the hospital and the insurance to help us out. Because we just don't have $4000 to pay those bills. And then my car needed new rotors and a battery. And Charming's motorcycle is leaking from the front forks. Like our bank account, hemorrhaging money faster than we can make it.

The only thing we need now is for me to get pregnant and the tableau will be complete.

Our new house has been a struggle to get together as well. We have hit a couple of roadblocks we were not expecting. The main concern was when Charming went to replace the kitchen faucet and discovered the valves under the sink wouldn't turn off. So he went to turn off the main water valve. That one wouldn't turn off either. And the valve in the street was real loose. So we called a plumber. He replaced the kitchen valves (and replaced the faucet since he had everything undone any way) and has plans to come back and fix the main valve. Until then I can fret about a pipe bursting and not being able to turn off the water and the whole house flooding.

Because that is how my brain works.

Other issues are as follows:
~The other faucets are hard to turn on and off and the shower feels like you're pulling the pipes right out of the wall when you turn it on. Combination of shoddy workmanship and lack of use. Since this house was a vacation home and the previous owners only used it maybe half a dozen times in the past fifteen years everything is in pristine condition but also disintegrating from lack of use.
~All of the curtains I have are just short enough to not work in ANY of our windows. And we have A LOT of windows. I haven't decided if I am going to put up any curtains or not because it would be a huge expense.
~This house is much bigger so the electricity and gas bills are a bit of a concern. Therefore we have the A/C set higher than usual which makes me hot. But at least the ceiling fans help.
~There was only cable in the family room and the master bedroom and phone only in the kitchen and the master bedroom. We wanted cable in the guest bedroom. So in order to do that Charming had to go up in to the attic, run cable across the house, cut holes in the guest bedroom and fish the cable out from the attic. It was not a fun process in 100 degree heat.
~In putting away my Christmas dishes in the extra cabinet next to the fridge I discovered the shelves were cut a good inch too short and were barely resting on the shelf pegs. They came crashing down when I went to put some bowls on them. Shoddy workmanship again. So Charming had to cut me new shelves.
~The master bedroom doors scraped against the carpet something fierce. We could tell it would start to wear the carpet before long. So Charming shaved off the bottom of the doors.
~And since he had his power tools already out I had him cut the end of a cutlery tray off since it wouldn't fit in any of the drawers in the kitchen.

Slowly put surely we have gotten all the little quirks figured out. Like how we can't change the faucets in the bathroom because the fixtures underneath would have to be changed too to match up since they are too old. So we will live with the faucets that a bit hard to turn on and off. And the carpet is like a comb for the cats, I am constantly picking up fur balls every day. But we have adjusted and everything has found its place and we love it.

It's home.

The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Getting this house in order has been a struggle. I promise a detailed post about everything regarding the move and our new home is coming. We have just been so busy trying to get everything together for yesterday and our housewarming party. We worked really hard to have our home ready to show off to people and are pretty proud of the results.

Too bad no one showed up to see it.

Yes, we threw a party and no one came. It's amazing how quickly a 33-year-old woman can be propelled back 20 years and feel like an insecure 13-year-old again. Apparently I'm the girl no one wants to be friends with. Or at least not friends enough to care about such things as showing up to something you said you would attend. And then not even text me with some lame excuse of why they couldn't come. Every single movie where the young gawky female lead looks out the window at every car that passes by in hopes that someone, anyone will show up to her party? That was me last night. I was so excited to show off this house. Because this house is so us, finally a home we can love and share and have fun in. And with every passing minute, half hour, hour, the realization that we will probably be the only ones who appreciate how we put it together became apparent my heart broke just a little bit more.

So we have about $150 worth of alcohol (which, once we realized no one was coming we tried to make a considerable dent in ourselves) and about $60 of finger food to plow through. Charming, Charming's mother and eventually two of Charming's cousins and I tried to make the best of it with some kick ass games of pool and darts and then a rousing game of Apples to Apples. See, all the fun missed out! We have a kick ass game pad! Those people don't know what they were missing.

I am trying to be the bigger person and not let it get to me, but it is hard. Especially since this is the fourth time this has happened to me out here. I have planned something, a party and get together, and people say they are coming and no one does. It is just a wake-up call that people here are way different than I am used to. People around here say yes to just about anything and then if something better comes along they do that instead. Not how I do business so it breaks my heart. I don't try to throw things often. When I do it is something special, like Charming's birthday surprise which fell flat. Which means no more parties for me. No more bringing people into my personal life. And no more trusting people from work. Those who I think are friends really are not. At least not friends to the standard I am accustomed.

Plus no one said anything to me today until about an hour ago when only two people asked how my party went. When I said no one showed they acted shocked and said they were tired so that is why they did not come. It was a Friday night. Everyone in this city does something on Friday. It's like a law. And we had free alcohol! My husband took a day off specifically for nothing.

So I have decided to separate my work and private lives. No more cross over. No more attempting to bond. I have been hurt too many times.

Time to make work just work and enjoy Charming and the select few people who I know I can count on.

The One Where I Catch My Breath

Oy. Vey.

Well, we are moved.

And amongst the mountain of cardboard and newspaper a new home lay...somewhere.

But before we got there we had to first finish up at the old place. Cleaning, polishing, and sprucing to ensure we got our deposit back. And in between all of that we decided to hold a garage/moving sale.

Because we didn't have enough to do.

And I love getting up at 6:30 AM...three days in a row.

I finally found something worse than packing and unpacking. Pricing and haggling. And watching people who do the drive-by and don't even stop to see what we have. Listen, you can't get the lay of a garage sale from your car. You need to get out, peruse the merchandise. I am a hard-core garage saler, I know these things. So those not-serious people piss me off.

Tomorrow is day three of the sale and then we pack up whatever isn't sold and ship it off to the Salvation Army. Then we drop the keys off and wait for the walk through that will tell us if we get our deposit back. I think if we don't both Charming and I will go ballistic.

We have been getting things put away a bit in the new place but will really focus this weekend and plow through a lot. All the furniture is in place, it's just unpacking boxes now. We got some new faucets for our bathroom and the kitchen because the ones there were antiquated. I need to find some patio furniture for our massive outdoor space and perhaps a futon for the extra bedroom but other than that this house should be set. I will post some pictures when things get more put away.

Within all this controlled chaos, we had a bit of a scare with my mom this week. She was suddenly in the hospital with an infection in her red blood cells. She's going to be okay and is home now with antibiotics. But needless to say this scared the ever living out of me. As all of you know, a blood infection is what killed Charming's father. So I was sufficiently freaked out by this. Granted, my mom got treatment in time and was not as advanced as Charming's dad, but it brought back a whole flood of feelings and memories that I try not to relive. Also being 3000 miles away did not help matters. But she is doing okay and will be fine which is a huge relief for all of us.

So when I get a chance to breathe, when things finally, finally calm down, maybe I can relax. Or at least slow down.

That will be nice. I look froward to that day.