Friday, September 30, 2011

The One With The Pills

I have been doing a lot of wondering lately.

I wonder why it's so easy for some people.

I wonder why we are having such a difficult time.

I wonder if I am being punished.

I wonder if our dream will ever come true.

I wonder if we should bother any more.

We have been trying for almost two years to get pregnant with no avail. Granted, these past two years have been filled with the kind of emotional and physical upheaval few people suffer in an entire lifetime, let along the course of 24 months. The stress levels are at an all time high so it is really no huge surprise I am currently not very hospitable for a fetus.

A few days ago I began a course of drugs to increase my ovulation. After a battery of tests on me and Charming, my doctor discovered I am not ovulating like I should be. Apparently, my eggs don't like to drop and thus I am not going to get pregnant without a little assistance. The first step is to be taking this prescription at certain times during my cycle, tracking my temperature when I am supposed to be ovulating and getting regular blood tests to check the results. Oh, and of course screwing like bunnies until something, anything, happens. This process will continue each month, increasing the dosage of the drugs, until I reach some sort of cap and we then reconsider our options.

I am trying not to think about what the next step is yet until I get through this one because I am still processing the fact I failed my first round of tests. I am not perfectly fine, capable of conceiving without help and thus feel a bit like a failure. I know millions of women need help getting pregnant, heck I know some of them myself. But I never pictured myself to be one. I figured I would be like several of my friends and get pregnant with no problem, or even by accident. And then I will be able to focus on my baby and how things will be handled when we become a family. Never did I imagine I may have a hard time getting to the family part in the first place.

Charming, who of course passed his tests with flying colors, has been assuring me he bodes me no ill will that I am the failure in this situation, despite my claims he should find himself a good sturdy woman he can use as a brood mare. He has been wonderfully supportive and willing to help in any way he can. So of course I have made him my slave and convinced him the more he waits on me the more my body becomes a healthy environment for our future fetus. Unfortunately he caught on after about an hour of fetching things for me upstairs while I lounged around on the couch and asked to be fed bon bons while he fanned me with palm frond.

The pills are not supposed to have any side effects except perhaps nausea and a chance of multiple births. We, as well as my vajay-jay, are in agreement that having two at once would be a welcome alternative to spreading out the births. Two for the price of one is good in any situation, right? But I am getting ahead of myself here...let's see if these darn pills do anything first.

Buying the double stroller can come later.


15 Deposits in the Crazy Bin:

Cyndiblock Talk said...

Try some Boones Farm Strawberry Hill and doing it in the back of a Chevy... That works for a lot of 16 year olds.

pogonip said...

What we go through to have kids! My story involves 18 amnio's--harder on my sweetie than on me. No drugs though. Rats!

Marie said...

If you end up with twins then I promise to buy the double stroller for you!!

TonjiaT said...

I don't know if I ever told you or not, but when I was 27 I started fertility testing. The whole deal. I was poked and prodded and probed, I had hysterosalpingograms, and endocervical biopsies and my ex had sperm tests and we both had blood tests.. the results- anovulatory cycles.

At that time I was wondering what the hell "anovulatory cycles" were, but the docs wanted me to go on Clomid. I chose not to.

fast forward to age 29. I had given up thinking about having a baby, and... I got pregnant. I think its because I wasn't stressing over it.

Whatever happens will happen Amanda, just give yourself a break and love yourself and enjoy life, those eggs of yours will eventually start to cooperate!

belowtheeight said...

First of all: STOP CALLING YOURSELF A FAILURE. Don't make me come down there... Your kid is not going to have a failure for a mom, and thinking you're a failure is not going to help you get pregnant. Second of all, even though it's probably exactly what you don't want to hear: relax. It sounds like complete bullshit, but your body is working hard enough to make your dream come true; don't go adding stress hormones to the mix. I believe there really is a physical component to a lot of mental/emotional troubles. I think this is also a good time to focus on the positives in your life, and use it as a good time to get your home and body ready for a baby. Or two.

Odette said...

<3

I am so so bad at knowing what to say, but I just know that this is going to happen for you. I don't know why things are so hard for you right now but I can't help but believe that it can only get better. I am sending you all the positive vibes I can! :) xoxoxo

joyabell3 said...

If it helps any, it's not any easier or any less stressful being on the other end. I have always envied couples who seem to have their "timeline" figured out, their resources in line, and get to have family toast them and get excited with them about the new addition to the family.

The feelings of failure and the fears of not measuring up cloud even those who make it seem like it's so "easy". Except instead of the questions of "when" and "if" it's the well meaning jokes of "hey, haven't you figured out what causes that" to the outright "man, don't you guys know when to stop already?!"

I think you and Charming have a beautiful dream and I hope you never give up on it. We need more people like the two of you who love and value children to be in this world and helping mentor the next generation.

I believe parenthood is something so important to you because it is something you are meant to do, but how it is going to come about is just not clear yet.

Keep your head up, lady. Hold tightly to each other as you always do in the face of every adversity and most importantly, keep loving each other and yourselves through it. Praying for the very best for the two of you.

jojo said...

stopping by to check on you and wish you a Merry Christmas.

sharon said...

Been there done it all...all you can do is commit to try like Julianna and Bill and then ....take your options whether it be invitro or surrogate.....then start doing and wait...dont expect anything and after you options are over start thinking of adopting....know someone who finally adopted after years got the kid then2 year and was starting adoption of another and go pregnant with twins..now she has 4!!..so you havent waited that long

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