I have been doing a lot of wondering lately.
I wonder why it's so easy for some people.
I wonder why we are having such a difficult time.
I wonder if I am being punished.
I wonder if our dream will ever come true.
I wonder if we should bother any more.
We have been trying for almost two years to get pregnant with no avail. Granted, these past two years have been filled with the kind of emotional and physical upheaval few people suffer in an entire lifetime, let along the course of 24 months. The stress levels are at an all time high so it is really no huge surprise I am currently not very hospitable for a fetus.
A few days ago I began a course of drugs to increase my ovulation. After a battery of tests on me and Charming, my doctor discovered I am not ovulating like I should be. Apparently, my eggs don't like to drop and thus I am not going to get pregnant without a little assistance. The first step is to be taking this prescription at certain times during my cycle, tracking my temperature when I am supposed to be ovulating and getting regular blood tests to check the results. Oh, and of course screwing like bunnies until something, anything, happens. This process will continue each month, increasing the dosage of the drugs, until I reach some sort of cap and we then reconsider our options.
I am trying not to think about what the next step is yet until I get through this one because I am still processing the fact I failed my first round of tests. I am not perfectly fine, capable of conceiving without help and thus feel a bit like a failure. I know millions of women need help getting pregnant, heck I know some of them myself. But I never pictured myself to be one. I figured I would be like several of my friends and get pregnant with no problem, or even by accident. And then I will be able to focus on my baby and how things will be handled when we become a family. Never did I imagine I may have a hard time getting to the family part in the first place.
Charming, who of course passed his tests with flying colors, has been assuring me he bodes me no ill will that I am the failure in this situation, despite my claims he should find himself a good sturdy woman he can use as a brood mare. He has been wonderfully supportive and willing to help in any way he can. So of course I have made him my slave and convinced him the more he waits on me the more my body becomes a healthy environment for our future fetus. Unfortunately he caught on after about an hour of fetching things for me upstairs while I lounged around on the couch and asked to be fed bon bons while he fanned me with palm frond.
The pills are not supposed to have any side effects except perhaps nausea and a chance of multiple births. We, as well as my vajay-jay, are in agreement that having two at once would be a welcome alternative to spreading out the births. Two for the price of one is good in any situation, right? But I am getting ahead of myself here...let's see if these darn pills do anything first.
Buying the double stroller can come later.