The One With The Eventual Goodbye

My Dad called me this morning.

He informed me that my grandmother had made the decision to take my grandfather off all of his medications.

Since his fall and then subsequent hip surgery in November, my grandfather has had several ups and downs. There were tiny whispers of improvement, things that sparked hope that maybe, just maybe he would come out of everything all right. He left the hospital for a rehab/nursing home facility to work on getting his strength back and try to work up to where we would be able to come home. For my grandfather, being in a nursing is the kiss of death. The two weeks he had to spend in one after his stroke a few years ago were hell and he vowed he would never go back to one again. So I know he was devastated to have to return, even for a short period of time. However, he worked as hard as he could to try and make his time there brief.

Then the bleeds started. He was on watch when blood appeared in his stool, sent to the hospital when that became a steady amount all the time. They gave him a transfusion and he bounced back a bit. But it was not a cure-all and soon he would need another transfusion since he was losing too much blood. They couldn't find out what was wrong without more surgery and due to his age and condition there would again be no guarantees he would survive. They opted to not take him to the bigger hospital for exploratory surgery. Then first hard decision my grandmother had to make was to say no more hospital trips, no more transfusions.

They moved my grandfather to a private room, made him comfortable, and the wait began. He soon lost interest in eating. That, combined with his constant blood loss, caused more wear on an already very tired body. They began to curb his lack of food intake with vitamins and supplements, as well as various pain meds and any other previous medications he was on for his aneurysm, blood condition, etc (there are so many things, I can't keep track) Last week I called him and he was alert enough to talk for a while but tired easily and quickly needed to rest.

I believe that is going to be the last time I will have ever spoken to my grandfather.

According to my Dad, he has stopped responding to any one. He doesn't talk any more. He doesn't move much. He has whithered away to around 110 pounds which on his tall frame is what I can imagine is skeletal. He has been moved to the hospice care section of the nursing home, close to the nursing station and has a specialized doctor there to make sure he is comfortable and out of pain. Plans have been made and set in place for weeks as we wait for what we all know is going to come.

The decision my grandmother made that will be put into effect tomorrow is to take him off all the supplements and medications, with the exception of the pain meds. They are not helping him, not making his quality of life any better. And while I don't want to lose my beloved grandfather, I am glad this decision was made. My grandmother even told me today she should have made it sooner than now. She just didn't now how to. But it's time. My grandfather, a proud and wonderful man, is wasting away and he deserves to go with dignity, deserves to let God take him into his arms and finally ease all the pain and suffering he has endured for so long. He wouldn't want to be like this, and since he can no longer tell us that, it is up to us to make the hard decisions and finally let him go.

But knowing that doesn't make the eventual goodbye any easier to bear.

My heart is breaking. I love him so. I don't want him to leave. I think about all the times I spent with him, the love and support he gave me, how close we became when I went to college and was only an hour away from them for seven years. Mostly, I am devastated that he will not be around to see a child of my own. That our future generation will not be able to share in his love and his amazing personality. I know I will do everything I can to make sure our children know how brave and wonderful my grandfather was. A young man who married his teenage sweetheart, went off to fight in World War II and came home to build a family, traveled all over this country and helped shape my life into what it is today.

I wait for that phone call that I know is going to come. I wait and wonder what I will feel in that moment when I lose another loved one.

The One With All The Madness

Oh my good Lord.

I don't even know where to begin, there is just so much stuff to tell you.

I ended up going to Ohio for my grandfather's hip surgery. He survived and is doing okay. Still in the hospital but expected to pull through. He is in a lot of pain and is very uncomfortable since they could do nothing for his broken shoulder. It is all swollen and black and blue and the fluids they pump into him are seeping out through his very thin skin. But he is under constant care and they are looking after him well. What I am concerned about it my grandmother. Once I left she is now all alone and my grandfather is in a hospital 40 minutes away. My aunt takes her when she can but I worry about my grandmother staying in that house alone and not eating or sleeping. It was hard for me to get her to do those things when I was there. She's 84 and no spring chicken herself.

I didn't get paid for the four days I was off work to go to Ohio. So my last paycheck was considerably short. The fact that we can hardly get by when I work when I should caused for some huge problems when we had about $400 less than we should have. Also, I probably won't get paid for the Thanksgiving holiday since I did not work the day before (a condition of getting paid double for holidays.) And since they were understanding enough to let me go I agreed to fill in whenever I was needed. So I have some morning shifts coming up. Joy.

My brother came to town the day I returned to Vegas. He was expected to start his new job tomorrow, the Monday after Thanksgiving. However, he had a difficult time getting a hold of the man in charge to figure out when his apartment and everything would be ready. Finally he talked to him yesterday...and his job will not be ready until maybe December 13th. So my poor brother could have stayed in Houston where he had a job and made some more money. Now he is stuck in Vegas with no job, no income and forced to stay with us. He's not sure what to do since he wanted to go back to Massachusetts for Christmas. I feel like he is my kid and I'm worrying about his future. He knows he can stay with us as long as he needs to, but we are boring and I know he is bored already. He needs to get his own place so he can have his own life.

The house may finally be coming to a close with the short sale. We are expected to sign the papers this Thursday, four days before the deadline to close. I am not getting my hopes up until I am told to hand over the keys and that we are free and clear and done. Holidays don't make closing on houses easy either because no one works the day before or after so we were out five whole days with no action last week when you add in the weekend.

I tried to walk as much as I could while I was in Ohio and eat well but with the hours spent in the hospital it was a bit difficult. Since I left last Friday I didn't get to write about last week's accomplishment. I was down to 248.5 pounds! I was amazed that I managed to lose that much in a week. However, this past Thursday, before eating any Thanksgiving food, I weighed myself and I had not lost any more weight. But I was not totally surprised what with the travel and weird hours and jet lag. And then since I have gotten back I have not been able to get myself up to walk before work due to readjusting to my schedule again. However, I do walk on the treadmill at work so that is something. I won't be surprised if I don't lose anything this week either. But I will get right back on track, I know it.

Oh, and I have the Worst Travel Experience Story to share too. But that will have to wait until next time...