The One With The Day That Shouldn't Be

One year.

365 days.

It feels so long ago and like yesterday simultaneously.

I guess pain knows no time limit. No boundaries.

I waited all day to write this post. Because I didn't want to write it. Writing it made it seem more real. Even after 365 days of praying for a different reality.

One year ago today we lost an amazing young man in the most unimaginable way possible. In the days, weeks, months since I have tried to wrap my head around the why. And how we may never know. I don't think an answer would make the pain any less but I can't help but wonder what if. What if someone had talked to him? What if he had reached out? What if a tiny change in the days leading up to that moment may have altered the future for the better?

I wish I had an answer, a way to make things better. Because I can't stand seeing my dear friends in so much pain all the time. They are barely holding on, bravely facing each day with a misery I can not even begin to imagine. And there is nothing I can do for them except show my support and give them my love. But even that feels empty, not enough to fill the void their son has left behind.

However, there are small things I can do. Love those I care about and make sure they know it. Per Hallie's request she made it clear that we should all tell those we love how we feel. Say those important three words as much as possible. I try to do this every chance I get. The sudden loss of Charming's father made this second nature for me.

Become an organ donor. Hallie and her family made the impossible decision to donate CJ's organs to people in need. Because of their selfless act several people now have a new lease on life. A bit of good coming out of something so bad. I have always been an organ donor and will now help people understand how important this decision is and how your loved should know your wishes in order to make them possible.

Participate in suicide prevention programs. Never before has it become so much more apparent to me that there are people out there who may need help but don't know how to ask for it. I would do anything to stop another family from having to go through the pain and suffering that suicide causes. I plan on finding a way to add my support to the cause of suicide prevention.

All of this to honor a wonderful and brilliant young man, CJ Twomey, whose light I know shines down upon us all. CJ, we miss you and love you. Please help your family through these very difficult times. You can help bring them a bit of peace by watching over them and bringing your light back into their dark world.

I had a dream last night. In the dream CJ and Charming's father were together, just sitting around, trading funny stories. When I came upon them they smiled at me and kept on talking, making each other laugh. I awoke with a sense of peace for the first time a very long time. I'd like to think this means they are up there and doing okay.

And that made me smile.

Keep smiling on us, kiddo.