Because I am sitting here trying to figure out the better one so I can feel that way.
I need to feel righteous in my lack of self-worth. If I am going to covet what other people are/have, damn it I am going to do it in the best way possible. Got to harness those Deadly Sins in any way I can. Need to make sure my Life Book is not encyclopedia thick when I meet The Big Guy.
That's the Catholic guilt talking.
So...envy. Dictionary.com says: en-vy [en-vee] a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc. Discontent. I like that word. It's a word that means I could possible be "content" if I just take care of the "dis." Covetousness sounds like a word that has too many syllables and is made up. Regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc. sounds about right since it is usually something someone has that sparks these feelings. Mostly because I like to imagine what I would do with such a thing/opportunity.
Now it's jealousy's turn. Back to the Internet for the definition: jeal-ous-y [jel-uh-see] jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself. Well, I can already see I am not jealous in what I feel. I dislike the word resentment. And I don't feel anything towards a rival. I don't even think I have a rival. Resenting someone enjoying success or advantage? Why would I do that? Resenting is not going to make it happen to me. And most of the time I am ecstatic for a friend to have something good to happen to them. Heck, half the time I try to make it happen for them myself.
Okay. So jealousy is the bad one. And I'm definitely not jealous. Which leaves envy. Envy I can deal with. Envy doesn't seem as bad. Because most of the time I am happy for other people's good fortune, I just wish I could enjoy it with them. That has to be a lesser form of envy, right? the more righteous version.
The distinction between these two lesser qualities in a human being is on my mind because it seems this week I have been more envious than usual. I think we all carry around a bit of envy inside every day, but sometimes that cute and fuzzy green-eyed monster rears its adorable head and reminds you how much more you could be doing in your life. I picture my Envy Monster about the size of a Guinea pig utterly adorable and loving until you accidentally step on its tail and it turns and spits in your face while hissing and puffing itself out twice its size. Then you better watch out or you'll get scratched. That's my Envy.
Isn't he cute?
I like to imagine my lesser good qualities as interesting creatures. Makes it easier for me to deal with them. You should see how I picture Constipation. Or Extreme Anger, since I just lost half this post while writing it...if I could sew I would totally make a mint off of plushie emotions.
Things I have been envious of this week:
~People I know going to BlogHer because I wish I was going with them
~Seeing someone with a Starbucks coffee because it has been almost two months since I had one due to lack of fundage.
~A friend spending time with their family who live nearby because I miss being near mine.
~Someone going on a gorgeous hike because it is too damn hot to do anything like that here in this desert oven.
~Not being able to buy things I want that other people have (see lack of fundage mentioned above)
~Friends "finding" themselves and feeling better about themselves because I feel like warmed over crap and have no motivation (this makes me happy for them but causes me to get depressed because I feel worthless.)
~Wishing my life was like the characters in different movies, TV shows and books I read.
Once I start fantasizing about a different life that doesn't exist except for entertainment I realize I need to get a handle on these feelings or they may overtake me and that would not be good. No one needs their furry little green Envy Monster wrecking havoc and peeing all over everything in their lives.
6 Deposits in the Crazy Bin:
I don't think a little envy ever hurt anyone. If anything I think it makes you push harder for the things you want.
Also the list of things you've been envious of could all be turned around with some positive thinking. For example:
-Now is the perfect time to want to go to BlogHer because you will have a whole year to save up for the next one...
-Two months without a starbucks shows amazing restraint. I have no money and I always, without fail think to myself "ah it's only £3 for a coffee, I can spare that!" then end up walking home in the rain because i have no money for the bus...
-You will appreciate seeing your family so much more than somebody who lives close to theirs and you'll make the most of every moment you spend with them instead of taking them for granted...
See, it's easy!! You can do the rest :)
I think we all get a little envious now and then. Human nature, I guess. Not that I'd really want what the next gal has, but I'd like to be able to have the choice :)
Oh my GOSH do I understand what you mean. I have been there this year, in a huge way! I've been envious of so many people; especially when I see people without a lot of challenges and issues. Some people just get so lucky, and dealt a decent hand, and just a couple of months ago, I wanted to scream. I had a friend sincerely bitching about not having money to buy FAKE NAILS and wanted to be like, "Dude. That is NOT a problem. You wanna talk problems? Let's talk A, B, C..."
Anyway, I know one of those things is something I did that you're envious of. Are you sure there isn't someplace even a couple hours' drive away where you could get out into nature--where it's not so hot? Because we couldn't have done that down here in Phoenix. Nope. It was a 2 hour drive north to get to the pretty. I can highly recommend just taking a drive out someplace, if there is such a place up near you, for a super inexpensive, rejuvenating road trip. :-)
Hang in there! And it's cool to admit you have envy or jealousy or whatever it might be. Things will get better for you soon. Listen to that song by Josh Wilson, "Before the Morning"... I know I had it on my blog, but I wanted to bring it up specifically for you. HUGS!! :-)
PS: You are sooooo not worthless! You are AWESOME. You're a fighter, a survivor of bullshit, and a great person. Be happy about the things you are, sweetie!
girl, you need a break! I know funds are short, but can you and Charming find something inexpensive to do together that will pamper each one of you??
we all have envy. Its normal, its human nature, its ok... really
I feel like things are going pretty well for me right now, but that doesn't mean I don't have a bit of envy myself now and again.
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